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The Weekend in Crappy Pics

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It’s Sunday night and another snow storm is headed our way.

10-14 inches are expected…again

Schools have been cancelled…again

We’ll have to shovel…again

And to top it off, I just finished my last bottle of affordable red wine, which means that the only thing standing between me and an $80 bottle from the Napa region is my flimsy self control and a misplaced corkscrew.

Hey, did you know if you cry long enough, you can get dehydrated and start vomiting?
Enough about my mental breakdown…

 

On Friday, Collin and his friends had a “going-away” party at our house for one of the neighborhood kids.

I was about to order from Papa John’s when one kid said she refuses to eat their pizza because she doesn’t agree with the owner’s economic policies. “But they deliver. And I love their Tuscan 6-cheese pizza.” I whined.

Dammit, people. I’m all about teaching our children to stand up against social injustices and making the world a better place through conscience choices, etc. etc….until it interferes with my pizza.

“Hello. Yes, I’d like to order a large pizza, half pepperoni and half kumbaya.”

 

After scarfing down pizza from a restaurant that provides a 401k and dental insurance for its employees, the kids presented the card that they lovingly made to their friend. Here’s a snippet…

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“…I was like WOW that person is boring”

Oh bejesus, I love their painful honesty!

On Saturday, I finished painting the basement…including the dreaded stairwell. My initial idea was to have the tall white wainscoting run down both sides of the staircase, but then I ran out of wood so screw that. My next idea was to have the wainscoting run down just one side and to keep the other wall all white, but then my charcoal paint roller hit the ceiling so screw that…

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It was like I lost my charcoal mind! I just kept laughing and painting and saying things like “MAKE ALL THE THINGS BLACK!” and “YEAH, I LIKEY!”

Needless to say, Brian was a bit concerned with my design choice and mental state, “It’s a little dark and cave-like, don’t you think?” Like my winter heart, Brian, like. my. winter. heart.

On Sunday, Collin and Ana had a tug-of-war over a book…until Collin’s elbow accidentally made contact with Ana’s eye. If I had to guess, I’d say that’s when she let go.

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I asked them what book was so damn special that they had to wrestle for it. The Great Gatsby? War and Peace?

“The fart book.”

ahh, but of course.

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How was your weekend? If you live someplace warm and sunshiny, please tell me all about it. I’ll read your comment while pressing my face against a 100 watt light bulb until I feel a little bit alive.

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Looking for a special PERSONALIZED GIFT? Check out www.GiftsForYouNow.com for awesome ideas!

The Weekend in Crappy Pics…winter hell

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If you read my blog regularly, you are my most cuddly-wuddly favorite, and you may have noticed that I haven’t posted as frequently this winter.

*A relief to Marsha M. from Rochester, NY who, despite repeated requests, I have yet to remove from my email list.

The truth is, I’ve been going through a pretty tough time this season. What with discontinuing my eyelash extensions, my recent addiction to carbohydrates, and the 50 billion snow days that have us stuck in this house together while gray clouds loom overhead, it’s no surprise that I find myself in the midst of a winter depression.

And it turns out that moping around while planning a relocation to Florida can be a total time suck. No really. To say that I spend my free time fantasizing about living in Florida would be a gross understatement- I spend ALL MY TIME fantasizing about living in Florida. So far, things are really coming together. I’ll send you a housewarming invite when I get there.

Enough whinning, let me tell you about our weekend through the eyes of a wintertime depressive…

On Friday, I set the microwave on fire.

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In an attempt to eat healthier by eliminating the chemicals found in most store bought microwave popcorn bags, I used a plain brown paper bag and organic kernels. But after battling the flames caused by a dry paper bag igniting, I considered that it might be healthier to ingest the Perfluorooctanoic Acid rather than to die in a house fire.

Can you imagine burnt popcorn being the last thing you smell?

Later that night, I researched microwaves and Florida school districts.

 

Saturday, Ana had ANOTHER classmate’s birthday party to attend (reason enough to consider homeschooling).

She was dragging her feet as usual, so I said, “If you don’t get dressed, we’re not going!”

please don’t get dressed, please don’t get dressed, please don’t get dressed” became my silent mantra.

Ana: I don’t want to go anyway!

Sadly, a lie. She likes to build up my hopes then knock ’em down like blocks- blocks that spell out the word SUCKER. My changing facial expressions must make for great entertainment.

Me: Why not?

Ana: I don’t like Olivia.

Me: Why?

Ana: Every time we have lunch bunch, she shows me the food in her mouth. It’s gross!

Me: Oh, c’mon. So she doesn’t chew with her mouth closed, that’s no reason not to like her.

Ana: She does it on purpose! She opens her mouth and goes “ahhhhhh”.

Me: I’m sure you’re exaggerating.

 

She wasn’t…

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I’ve decided to focus my efforts on the West coast of Florida, as the beaches are absolutely stunning,

On Sunday, the master bathroom toilet tank stopped filling up …much like my soul in this godforsaken northeast polar vortex.

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So I fixed it. I also replaced the handle AND bought a new toilet seat and told everyone to enjoy their next shit on me.

I’m leaning towards the Sarasota area, it seems the most family friendly.

Sunday night, sensing my downward mental spiral, Brian offered to help me with dinner. He’s a great cook so I was very grateful for the help…until I found out he knew jack-shit about pounding chicken breasts. That’s when things got tense.

Him: What do you mean it’s not thin enough? Did you see how hard I was pounding? It can’t take that much effort to flatten a breast. No, I’m pretty sure this is as thin as it gets.

Me: Brian, it does take that much effort. Why else would I try flattening them with my SUV? (that did NOT go well)

few minutes later…

Brian: Yeah, baby! I got the hang of it now!

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This was one of the better ones.

After dinner, Brian cleaned up the kitchen and gave Ana a bath while I measured out my first glass of red wine in a week.

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Did I forget to mention that I’m on a diet? Oh yes, because nothing helps to lift winter depression like giving up alcohol and drastically restricting one’s caloric intake.

That’s ok though, I like to pretend that the rumbling sounds in my stomach are actually waves crashing down on the coast of Florida, it helps me fall asleep without all the crying.

How was your weekend? Have a southern home for sale?

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Looking for a special PERSONALIZED GIFT? Check out www.GiftsForYouNow.com for awesome ideas, like this fluffy little guy…

bunny

The Weekend in Crappy Pics – Or Valentine’s without my family…in sunny Florida.

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On Friday, I left my husband and children behind, and flew to sunny Florida with my mother to visit my aunt, uncle, and cousin for the weekend.

taking off landing

 

After landing, we rented a car and headed out on a 1.5 hour ride to my aunt’s house. About an hour into our drive, we stopped at Applebee’s for a bite.

 

Hostess: “Hi! Are you celebrating Valentine’s today?”

Umm,no.

Manager coming to our table: “Happy Valentine’s Day! Are you two sharing this special day together?” *wink*

What?! She’s my mother!

Oddly, the age thing bothered me more than the lesbian assumption. Did my mom look super younger or did I look super older?

Waitress: “Are you here for a romantic Valentine’s Day lunch?” Christ, people. “If so, we’re offering a 2 for 1 drink special.”

Me: “Why yes, yes we are!”

 

It wasn’t until I was enjoying my first celebratory Margarita that it occurred to me, this was the first Valentine’s Day, in 10 years, that I could eat my chocolate without fear of being interrupted to wipe someone’s ass. It’s the little things.

No sooner had we entered my Aunt’s house, when we were turned around and pushed out the door in search of a bar. Sadly, it seemed that most places only served beer and wine…

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 It only took us 2 hours to find one that could make a Manhattan.

After downing some drinks and grease in the form of onion rings, hush puppies, and conch fritters…

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we rode around the city in search of some happening nightlife. Naturally, we started here:

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The Budget Inn Lounge!

It was everything we expected…and more.

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My aunt suggested we try another place:

Aunt C: “We could check out Boomers. I haven’t been there in a while, but I remember they played Oldies music.”

My Cousin: “Why’d you stop going?”

Aunt C: “I heard it got rough. I even read about a few shootings there.”

Me: “Oh pah-leez, they play OLDIES music for god’s sake. How dangerous can it be?”

We pulled in:

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We pulled out.

At the end of the night, we found ourselves in the Loony Bin.

The symbolism is not lost on me.

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Upon returning to the house, my Cousin Carla presented us with Valentine’s gifts. She’s so very sweet like that.

My gift:

knowing how much I love “chewy wine”…

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My mother’s gift:

knowing how much she loves…umm…still not sure what to make of this…

wcp112you know I was sooo jealous.

Gotta love the warning on the back:

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On Saturday, we went Goodwill-ing.

Goodwill-ing (gud-wil-ing)- verb-  hitting up every Goodwill in a 20 mile radius because nothing makes you more excited than finding a deal on something you’ll never use.

I don’t know if you’re aware, or even care, but a Goodwill located in an affluent town is like eating at a seafood restaurant situated next to a fishing dock- the quality don’t get no better.

And when we came across a Goodwill that was having a 50% off sale, holy hell, I had to buy a second-hand Michael Kors 100% cotton t-shirt just to absorb my joyous tears.

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Did you notice the camera shy lady with the pie pan?

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Afterwards, we went to an expensive seafood restaurant, because saving a buck on used flower vases totally justifies dropping $200 on dinner.

goodwill

On Sunday, we drove to a local Flea Market.

Believe me when I say there’s nothing more relaxing than walking around and looking at affordable & useless junk. It’s cheaper than a yoga membership.

Unfortunately, this particular flea market was kind of a let down.

I wasn’t looking to purchase old magazines,

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or jewelry made out of dead butterflies,

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or salt & pepper shakers held by skulls…

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I was, however, thinking I might buy a nice home fragrance oil.  But which scent to choose…

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Lilac? Too flowery

Ocean Breeze? Too Summery.

Orange? Yuck.

It took me a while, but I eventually narrowed it down…

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Next, we went to Bed, Bath, & Beyond where I was determined to buy an As Seen On TV Genie Bra, despite them being hung 10 feet above my head. Why, Bed, Bath & Beyond, why?

I approached customer service and informed them of my little problem, and they immediately sent someone over.

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My husband was happy to hear that my bra was thoughtfully selected by a 25 year old guy.

Upon returning home, we made homemade Bailey’s Irish Cream for happy hour.

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irish cream

Then we ended our trip by eating out at Applebee’s, exactly as we had started it.

Oh, and researching Florida homes for sale.

How was your weekend?

The Weekend in Crappy Pics

weekendincrappypics

 

As you may remember, about three months ago I made the tough decision to stop paying for eyelash extensions. It simply wasn’t economical. Besides, the time I spent laying on the table and gossiping about my neighbor could have been better spent shopping for affordable, yet delicious, wines. So before the last extension had a chance to fall from my lid, I established a Kickstarter campaign to support the growth & development of my natural eyelashes through Latisse Therapy. I spent the better part of Friday photographing my progress and emailing my investors.

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I’m a little concerned the Latisse might be making my blue eyes brown. I don’t mind the stinging so much, it reminds me I have eyes.

On Saturday, I took Ana to ANOTHER god-forsaken Pump It Up birthday party. I swear, I’m thisclose to keeping a toothbrush there and asking for my own drawer.

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Take a close look at the picture above. I was just standing there, telling someone how I thought the Pump It up mascot looked like he was on an operation table with his innards exposed when…

someone pulled the plug!

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That fcker was flatlining right before my eyes!

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There was screaming and crying, and kids being eaten by collapsing stairs. But then emergency balloons were handed out and everyone was fine.

Sunday was jammed packed with activity!

First we went to a Chocolate Festival held at our local high school.

It was Hell on Earth. I’m surprised the chocolate didn’t melt.

wcp94Crowed. Unorganized. Chaos. And no napkins…

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People were licking their fingers and touching everything and everyone. It was like a breeding ground for the most delicious virus you’ve ever tasted.

We stayed 20 minutes, and that’s only because it took us 10 minutes to wash our hands until we felt clean.

After that disaster, we went to see The Lego Movie.

wcp92Ana: third row, center seat.

It was a fabulous movie! However, Ana kept asking me, “Is it almost over yet?” Sadly, anticipating her expiration put a little damper on my enjoyment, much like riding a roller coaster with Brian does- “Oh my god! I’m going to barf! Here it comes! oh my god! oh my god!…”

When we exited the theater, our cars were covered in snow! We did NOT see that coming.

Driving home, Brian suggested we stop off for dinner and wait for the snow to stop.

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Oh yes, he said, the snow will most certainly stop.

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It did not.

At least the beer from dinner calmed my nerves for the ride home.

And how was your weekend?

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