Prior to sailing off to Bermuda on a 7 day cruise, we spent a day in NYC. Let me just say this…we don’t own chickens, or wear overalls, or even drive a pickup truck, but I’ve never felt more rural in my whole entire life. In fact, I would have been more comfortable riding a pissed-off horse than the NYC subway. CHEESE AND RICE.

After bumbling around underground and getting stuck in turnstile after turnstile while muttering, “Golly, this here place is crazier than a mama goat on her period.” we finally reached our first stop, Times Square. We were on a mission to visit the largest Toys R Us ever!

I call this next part, Times Square: Where my NYC anger was born and nurtured.

Picture it….we arrive in Times Square and find ourselves surrounded by a bazillion people going in different directions, enormous billboards with models whose boobs are bigger than my garage doors, and neon signs flashing to the tune of “migraine, migraine, migraine…”. *It’s probably not the best place for an epileptic to do his or her shopping.

Amidst the chaos, I saw something exciting, something fun, something uplifting: Minnie Mouse! But not just Minnie Mouse, there were other characters walking around as well, Elmo, Hello Kitty, Buzz Lightyear, Woody, Spiderman, and tons more!

“Aww” I said, “New York City isn’t so bad. The NYC Tourism Department must do this as a way to greet visitors!” And Ana rushed right into Minnie’s mustard stained arms while I snapped a picture.

And then Minnie continued to hold tightly onto Ana, refusing to let her go until I put a dollar into her matching tip bag, leaving me to wonder if I had just paid my first ransom.

Here she is fleeing her captor:

And so it went on like that for two blocks. Only it got worse.

At one point, Ana posed with Hello Kitty when an uninvited Spiderman jumped into the picture.

Umm…, no one asked your scrawny spidey ass to crawl over here. But that didn’t stop him from throwing his mask off and chasing us down the street until we gave up a buck.

After about $20, my suburban politeness died and an angry city girl was born. Well, as angry as a suburban girl raised to be nice to others can be, which meant a lot of eye glaring, head shaking and NO THANK YOU’s. But in my mind, I was fighting off Elmo with a roundhouse kick and punching Woody in his woody.

After an hour of figuring out if we were on the right train headed in the right direction, we wobbled onto 5th Avenue to take Ana to the American Girl store. Did I mention I had to walk around the city with her doll’s head sticking out of my bag the entire time, like some kind of jackass?

Holy shit that American Girl Store is nuts! Can you believe they have a fashion studio, hair salon, earring piecing station, photo shoot studio, and organic spa treatments for those damn dolls?! When asked where the line was to have my Bitty Baby circumcised, the sales lady shot me a look of disgust. Probably because I failed to make the appointment months in advance.

Looking around the place and its three stories of ridiculousness, I was never more embarrassed to be a gluttonous American citizen. Who would even consider spending mucho bucks on a doll’s needs while real children are starving all around the world? After buying a $40 outfit, hair extensions, and a hula hoop for Mitzy, I had my answer.

Sadly, the hair stylist was booked until next Tuesday:(

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Next post: Holy shit, we board a boat!