پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

Free Advice Friday! An awesome business plan!

So, I was responding to a reader’s “Help! I hate that damn Elf on a Shelf!” Free Advice Friday question when, about two sentences in, I came up with a wonderful business idea!  C’mon, you know my business ideas are awwwe-some!  Remember WTF Greeting Cards, Babysitter 2 Go, The Undercova Motha, Professional Lice Picker, Beaver Babies? I’m changing lives everyday, people…whether it’s for the better is debatable.

Anyway, awesome business plans need time, time for market analysis, strategy development, financial projections, and other fancy terms that remind me that I know nothing about business.

I should be ready to present my bullshit to you by Tuesday. Until then, enjoy an oldie but an ok-ey:

Babysitter 2 Go!

Dear Kim,

I’m a stay at home mom of two kids under 3. It’s almost impossible for me to run errands with them! When we finally get out the door, one of them (or both) always falls asleep in the car. So I spend the next hour entertaining one while the other one sleeps. Do you have any suggestions?

Sleeping in Suburbia

Dear Sleepy,

Two kids under 3? I assume they were spaced like that for some kind of long term benefit, because that’s short term bullshit!

Do I have any suggestions? Do I ever! You won’t believe this, Sleepy, but I’ve developed a new business/iPhone app that may help you. Let me tell you a little story…

About a year ago, my darling Ana and I were riding to Nordstrom’s for their semi-annual sale. We didn’t have a lot of time because I had to beat it back to meet Collin’s bus, but I wasn’t worried because I was headed there for one specific item, a pair of cute peep-toe wedges with a cluster of tiny rosettes nestled right on top. Mmm, I can still smell them.

Well, the moment I parked the car, I turned back to yell my shopper’s call “LET’S GO GO GO!” but what I saw created a mixture of feelings that’s almost indescribable. She was asleep! At first I felt a sense of relief wash over me (ah, so quiet), then anger (I will get my shoes!), then guilt (But she needs the rest). See what I mean?

Then I asked myself this, “Sugar Ass (positive self-talk), wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could call a babysitter to meet you in this parking lot and have her sit in the car while you shopped?” Yes, yes it would, Cinnamon Legs. It was in that very moment that my business venture seed was planted…or idea bloomed…I don’t know, some landscaping analogy.

Babysitter 2 Go!

Sleepy, the next time Junior falls asleep in the car, you simply…

1. Tap the “B-2-GO” icon

2. Fill out the required fields

3. And an available babysitter match will show on the screen!

Currently, I’m only testing this on a small scale (my niece Cherri is the only sitter listed and she won’t travel farther than 3 blocks) but I feel like it’s the start of something big!

Sleepy, if you’re interested in being notified once Babysitter 2 Go becomes available in your area, just leave your contact info in the comments. But FYI- it could take a while…do you plan on having grandchildren?

Good Luck with the two kids under 3 thing,

Kim

Cheapo Wino Wednesday! A Spanish Red Blend

I’m back, baby! No, my bronchitis isn’t totally gone, but I think I’m at the point where you can trust my palate again…well, in a general ballpark kinda way. So let’s get to it!

 
P.S.- I’m a sucker for a cute label.

2011 Mad Dogs and Englishmen– $12.99

A red blend: 60% Carignan 20% Shiraz 20% Tempranillo 100% YUM

 

Wine Maker’s Notes: Crimson in color, the bright raspberry nose offers hints of clove and pepper. Rich flavors of ripe black fruits are followed by notes of vanilla and cinnamon leading to a long, smooth finish.

Is that description a little BLAH or what? I like this guy’s better:

Dave at www.cheapwinefinder.com: The color is a dark, intense, but see-thru crimson red. The nose is muted, some raspberry, a slight whiff of barnyard, a touch of brewing tea, a little oak spice. This is a full bodied, dark and very dry wine. It tastes of blackberry, dried strawberry, herbal tea, a dry sensation from the oak (not too much, but it is there), dark bitter chocolate. The mid palate brings a little jammy raspberry, vanilla and cedar plank. The tannins are stiff, but subded and the acidity is balanced. The finish is full and long.

Back up a second…did Dave just say “a slight whiff of barnyard”? Barnyard? Is that even a descripty thing? Well, shit, if Dave can do it…

Kim’s Notes: The color is a nice iron-rich shade of blood, bordering just on the edge of coagulation. When inhaling, I found my nose to need blowing. Once it was clear, I detected a hint of spicy Elmer’s glue, a shitload of rasp/straw/blue/cran/berry, spackled drywall, and an earthiness found only in the eastern region of my basement. The mid palate, like my front and back palate, tasted the wine too. This is a complex wine which will mellow considerably after breathing and receiving 7-10 therapy sessions. I really enjoyed this wine and recommend drinking it now because waiting is stupid.

 

The Weekend in Crappy Pics!

Helllllo! I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, we certainly did!

On Wednesday, we received our first ever shitload of firewood from a nearby company, which the delivery guy said would burn “…long, hot, strong, and clean.” I thought he was flirting with me until he used the adjective ‘clean’.

This was my first time stacking wood, but judging by my “can-do” attitude, suede wedge boots, faux leopard gloves, and trusty Lil’ Red Wagon, you’d never know it.

On Thursday, we went to Brian’s parents’ house for Thanksgiving, and we had a fabulous time- the food was great, the company was great, Ana didn’t break anything that couldn’t be fixed. What more could we ask for?

It was a perfect night…until we were leaving the neighborhood and passed this:

First of all, CHRISTMAS LIGHTS ON THANKSGIVING??? Nothing pisses me off more! Unless, of course, that sonofabitch has Easter eggs stashed under his shrubs.

And secondly, those lights are on the inside of the home- the inside, people! Find me in twenty years when the authorities are looking for the “Christmas Light Strangler”, I’ll direct them to the poor kid that grew up in this house.

Then, as we turned the corner, things went from nauseating to utterly disturbing:

Umm, WTF is happening here?

Let’s take a closer, creepier look:

I’m praying it’s a Halloween costume. If so, I bet I know which house he lives in.

 

Every Black Friday is the same for us: we wake up around 8am, search the internet for the Walmart death toll, shake our heads, then put up our Christmas decorations while thanking our lucky stars that we have zero interest in getting off our lazy asses in an attempt to save a buck.

I know, for most families, the lighting of the Christmas tree signifies the beginning of the Christmas season, but we, at the One Classy Motha household, have our own way of kicking things off:

The Pull My Finger Santa

It’s a very sacred tradition.

Once the family gathers around, I gently lift Santa from his custom made, satin lined box, as each child secretly hopes they’ll be the one chosen to flip the ON switch buried in the deep recesses of his ass. This year it was Ana, and she handled the responsibility with all the grace and maturity of a 4 year old “Hey Collin, my finger’s in his buuuuttttt!”

Then, taking a cue from The Lion King, I hold a gassy St. Nick high above my head and proclaim, “And I say unto ye, let there be Christmas Farts!” My family erupts into a frenzy of cheering and fabricated fart sounds as tears of joy roll down their plump little cheeks, cutting through the pizza grease.

Then I do it. I pull Santa’s finger. AND. IT. IS. MAGICAL. “FAAART…ho ho ho, now that’s a stocking stuffer!”

Christmas has officially begun!

Occasionally, after all the hoopla dies down, Brian tries to pretend he’s above us. After watching Ana & I laugh at Santa for over 15 minutes straight on Friday night:

Brian: This whole family is disgusting! You think Pam Anderson is walking around with a Farting Santa? No! She’s busy finding ways to make her husband happy.

Me: Pam Anderson is divorced.

Brian: You think Carmen Electra is walking around with a Farting Santa? No! She’s busy finding ways to make her husband happy.

Me:…

Brian: …divorced too?

Me: Yup.

Me: Hey, maybe if they had focused more on Farting Santa and less on their husband’s happiness, they’d still be married? I think we’re doing something right.

Saturday evening, we decorated the tree. I was supposed to visit my friend afterwards but…

In case you think I’m exaggerating…

On Sunday morning, Mr. Bojangles tumbled down our steep ass stairs for the second time in a week.

Our children have been falling down the stairs for years, with my response being nothing more than a yawn and a “We should probably do something about that” But when the dog fell, I was like “Oh, hell no!” I ran right out, bought all the supplies, and laid the runner myself.

Aww, does my little Bozie Wozie feel safey wafey now?

Oh, and guess what I bought this weekend?

Scissors, you sicko.

I have a ton more pics from this week but I’m sure you have a life you need to get back to, so I’ll just leave you with this:

(Excuse my Bronchitis laugh)

[embedit snippet=”pull-my-finger-santa”]

How was your week?

It’s getting super close to Christmas! You can find the perfect PERSONALIZED holiday gifts from my sponsor GiftsForYou.com. I swear they have something in every price range!

Weekend in Crappy Pics!

 

One word: SNUGGLES

Friday afternoon, Ana’s classroom bear, Snuggles, came home with her.

Apparently, it was our responsibility to show Snuggles a good time AND to return him in one piece on Monday morning. I had my concerns…

I was beyond stressed. Honestly, I’d rather her bring home a newborn baby as they seem to leave a bad taste in Bo’s mouth.
 
Friday night, we took Snuggles to a dive restaurant that I was dying to try because “You shouldn’t judge a book by it’s cover, Brian.”

But when the waitress escorted us to a room reeking of bleach and registering a frosty 50 degrees, I thought to myself, “Oh shit, this ain’t no Pulitzer Prize.”

Luckily, our meal had some “Huh, this isn’t bad.” along with a few “Try these, they’re kinda good.” moments.

On Saturday, Collin went to a 6 hour birthday party. Yes, 6 hours. And the rest of us did nothing, nada, zip, zilch, except sit around and snuggle with Snuggles.

On Saturday night, we invited Brian’s mom over for dinner (pizza). After dinner, we were sitting around the family room, enjoying a roaring fire, drinking some wine, and someone pointed out this game…

It had to be Brian’s mom because it’s been sitting there since Christmas 2012 and we’ve yet to acknowledge its existence. Even Mr. Bojangles walks around it.

So we played the game,

then put it back in the corner until next year.

On Sunday, it was 10 degrees with the wind chill. TEN DEGREES, PEOPLE! And Ana informed me that we had to take Snuggles to Smith Park because her teacher said that’s his favorite thing to do. Well, I explained to Ana that, as a bear, Snuggles was meant to eat and hibernate this time of year, and that maybe her teacher is trying to push her own agenda onto Snuggles.

“Shouldn’t we honor Snuggles’ natural instincts by eating leftover pizza and napping instead?”

“No.”

So I did what any good mother would do…I took her and that damn bear to the park. I also did what any selfish mother would do…I underdressed her so she’d freeze within minutes of arriving.

“Mommy, I can’t feel my hands. Can we go home now?”

Yes, it’s hard to hold the monkey bars when your fingers won’t bend. Mwahahahahaha!

Oh, and check out the static electricity generated by a cold, dry, plastic slide…

I still think Snuggles would have rather hibernated.

How was your weekend?

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