پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

The Weekend in Crappy Pics – The scariest phone call of our lives…

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On Friday night, we put the kids into Kid’s Night Out at the gym and headed to fancy seafood restaurant for dinner.

As a self-confessed hypocrite, I enjoyed eating my freshly caught fish while glaring at the “horrible” woman callously executing lobsters behind me.

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“Look at her, no regard for life!”  *nom nom nom*

It was while Brian was in the bathroom that my cell phone rang and we received the scariest call of our lives. It was the gym.

A young Kid’s Night Out counselor informed me that Ana had hit her head on the pool…

that her head was bleeding…

that she couldn’t follow the life guard’s finger…

that an ambulance was on its way.

no no no, this can’t be happening.

Surprisingly, I asked very few questions, not even bothering to clarify exactly what her condition was. I suppose, in my mind, if he didn’t offer that information it was because either he didn’t know the answer OR it was so awful that he couldn’t bring himself to tell me. I knew if I had any chance of holding it together, I couldn’t risk hearing the worst. So instead, I focused on the logistics – How long ago? What Hospital? Where’s Collin? Is someone riding with her?

On the way to the hospital, Brian peppered me with questions that most normal people would have thought to ask (How did it happen? How bad is her head? Was she unconscious? Who got her out of the water?). But all I could do was to sit frozen in time, repeating the phrase “I don’t know.” In fact, the only thing I did know was that we had to get to the hospital before the ambulance did. We had to be there waiting for her.

It seemed to take forever for the ambulance to arrive…then to pull in…then to back up. I wanted to scream! I found myself gravitating towards the ambulance doors before it even had a chance to come to a complete stop.

As soon as one of the paramedics opened the door, he smiled at me and said “She’s fine. She’s watching Peppa Pig.”

Breathe.

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We’re still unsure what happened, as no one but Ana’s friend saw what happened. But according to her, a little girl threw something across the pool and it struck Ana in the head.

I’ll tell you what, that little girl has a hell of an arm on her because they needed a staple to close the wound.

On Saturday, we did absolutely nothing, except light a fire, cuddle, and feel grateful.

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On Sunday, we did the exact same thing. Plus we watched Frozen.

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and I taught Ana a new word…

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Today, get this…Ana has a fever, a virus she no doubt caught from Kids Night Out. Normally I’d say “Poor girl, she can’t catch a break”, but honestly, we’re all feeling pretty damn lucky.

How was your weekend? Hopefully not as dramatic as ours.

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Weekend in Crappy Pics

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On Friday, I bought a bathing suit.

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Hot, right?

It covers up my stretch marks, looks sexy, provides full coverage, and doesn’t fit.

That’s right, it doesn’t fit…yet.

You see, Brian and I are going to Mexico this Spring, and this is my healthy eating/mega exercise/sexy “goal” bathing suit, which is actually kinda ridiculous considering where I rank on the sexiness scale. I’m pretty sure I’m gonna look like someone shoved Hello Kitty into a Catwoman costume.

Friday afternoon, I learned that Ana’s class has been discussing future career choices.

Apparently, Ana told her teachers that when she grows up she wants to teach gymnastics…to CATS. When they told her that wasn’t possible, she came home, locked herself and the cat in her room, and set out to prove them wrong.

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She gave the cat a “9” for form but only a “7” for landing. Ironic, considering cats always land on their feet.

On Saturday, we went to Collin’s first day of Spring flag football…only we were a day early. Here’s Brian walking back to the car all pissed because I got the day wrong.

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To be fair, it’s not the first time I’ve done that. Or even the fourth.

Seeing how our morning schedule had opened up, we headed to the mall where we ate in the godforsaken food court. I HATE the food court with a passion! The chaos, the crowds, the crap food. HATE IT!

Ana loves it. Chaos, crowds, and crap food seem to be her “thang”.

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Next, we went to Costco where I saw this awesomeness:

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WOOHOO!

We live in a lake community, and every Spring I swear I’m going to buy one of these. Just look at those Oasis Island models, floating around, enjoying life, playing “I Never”, while some inattentive teenager watches their little model kids on shore. That’s the life for me!

Mark my words “THIS WILL BE MY YEAR!” I just have to go back to Costco without Brian; he doesn’t support my dream.

Saturday night was nice, but chilly. We put Ana to bed then lit a fire on our deck…our wooden deck…next to our wooden house with a wooden roof. I like to think of us as good people who make bad choices.

After about 5 minutes, Collin came out to join us, wearing only a t-shirt and pair of shorts. So I sent him back in to get his coat on. Ana, wide awake and listening, decided to come out too. After she finished bragging about remembering her coat, I sent her back in for pants.

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On Sunday morning, we went to the gym and Brian & I did spinning. The lady next to him was hacking it up so Brian, ever the germaphobe, moved his bike waaay too close to me.

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He spent the next 45 minutes pointing out every word that had even a hint of sexual innuendo – “push it” “increase your load” “harder, faster” “let’s do it”, you name it.

Next, we finally went to Collin’s flag football.

Upon approaching the field, I noticed there were barely any kids on the team. My heart sank…not for Collin, for me. As a Parasite Parent, a shortage of kids means fewer families sitting around the sidelines, lowering my chances of finding another set of parents with the right qualifications (pets, other kids, new games, etc) to entertain my kid for the whole horrible hour! Who the hell was going to be my Host Family? Shit, shit shit!

And then this happened:

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And the angels sang.

Sunday afternoon, we sprinted to the movie theater to see the Muppets Most Wanted movie.

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And when I say “sprinted”, I mean busted our asses to get there early! Brian was on us like a drill sergeant, all screaming in our faces like “Let’s go go go go! MOVE IT! THAT THEATER’S GOING TO BE PACKED! DO YOU WANT TO SIT IN THE FRONT ROW, STRAINING YOUR NECK UNTIL YOUR MUSCLES FATIGUE AND YOUR MOMMA HAS TO HOLD YOUR HEAD UP? DO YOU, PRIVATE? DO YOU?”

This was the theater when we arrived:

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Look at that crowd.

Brian and the kids LOVED the movie. Me…meh, I’d give it 2 Milk Duds.

How was your weekend?

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The Weekend in Crappy Pics

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So you know how I’ve been super SAD lately (Seasonal Affective Disorder), given that I live where Hell has actually frozen over? Well, I was super happy this past weekend…in sunny Florida…again!!!

I’m still coming out of a margarita/sunshine/feeding-my-fat-face haze, so I have little doubt that this edition of Weekend in Crappy Pics will come across as more disjointed than usual. Please bear with me. (For real, I accidentally drove Ana to her brother’s school this morning. They wouldn’t take her.)

 

On Wednesday, (yes, I know my title is ‘The Weekend in Crappy Pics”, sue me) Brian left for a work conference in Orlando, Fl.

On Thursday, I headed to the airport to catch the next plane out.

While standing in the security line, an announcement was made for a passenger to meet with one of the security officers.

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OOOHHHH, a drug-sniffing dog! DAMN, it’s going to be a drug bust!!!!

I was so excited about witnessing a little ‘Breaking Bad’ action going down before me, yet a bit nervous about the possibility of getting caught in a shoot out. The last time I remember feeling so conflicted was when I had to drink a 2009 Caymus Special Selection Cabernet from the Napa region out of a red solo cup.

Officer: Sir, please go back to the luggage check-in, they found something in your luggage.

Guy: Was it my Creme Brulee torch?

WTF? Who the HELL brings a creme brulee torch on vacation? Better yet, who, in this day and age, brings a torch on a plane? Anyway, the guy came back to the line and informed everyone that he chose to throw away his creme brulee torch instead of taking it back to his car because “I have a ton of them at home.” ???

Anyhoo, I finally got on the plane only to realize that I was surrounded by flying newbies, and not the excited kind…

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They were so intertwined, they couldn’t even get their drink trays down. But I had no problem with mine…

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Good thing I had that drink too, because when we hit an air pocket, the 5 year old behind me yelled “We’re goin dooooown!” and the lady next to me dove into her boyfriend’s lap and started hyperventilating. That’s when I decided to rent “Gravity” and tune out everyone around me.

I know what you’re thinking, “Why would you watch an awesome 3-D movie like Gravity on one of those tiny headrest tv’s?” or you could be thinking, “Why the hell would you watch a movie about things going wrong in space while you’re on a plane? Would you go on a cruise and watch the Titanic?” Yeah, I probably would.

But here’s why…

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See how the space station is shaking in that pic…we actually had plane turbulence during that scene! 3-D? More like 4-D!

Plus, I had a barf bag handy.

After arriving in Orlando, I knew Brian was going to be unavailable all day so I rented a car, drove to my favorite little town, bellied up to a bar, and had a nice blackened Mahi-Mahi sandwich and beer.

It’s no secret that I attract some of the most “interesting” people. This guy included…

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I learned a lot from him that day:

1. To boil any and all water before drinking or bathing in it, otherwise I will become forgetful and my insides will rot.

2. To avoid breathing in black mold and consuming rust (I kinda knew this one)

3. Only buy a house if the front and back doors line up, so that air can flow through the house.

Luckily my leg had fallen asleep and I had to stick around a few minutes longer or I would have missed this gem…

4. If I’m going to drink and drive, I should do it during the day because at night there are less people on the roads, increasing my odds of getting caught.

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After arriving at the hotel, Brian pointed out a gift bag that was left at his door. It contained a bunch of promotional information that appeared to be tailored towards the Restaurant & Hospitality industry, including conference materials.

Me: I think this was delivered to the wrong room. We should probably return it.

Brian: Really? Because it included this bottle of wine *holding up a bottle*

Me: I…I could be wrong.

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On Friday morning, I looked out of our window and saw the most spectacular thing ever!

Me: Oh my god! Brian! Get over here! They have these little white things roaming around the golf course! I think they’re like Roomba vacuums but for cutting the grass! Brilliant! (I began to wonder if these were available through retail channels or if they were strictly for commercial use)

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Brian: Jesus Kim, put on your glasses. They’re birds.

Wildlife and glasses have never been so disappointing.

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Friday afternoon and evening was spent shopping, checking out the gulf coast of Florida (beautiful!), and visiting my family.

On Saturday, Brian and I headed over to Epcot, where we were free to drink and eat ourselves around the world.

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The people watching was just a perk…

Me: Man, that kid’s really wailing!

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Brian: She’s probably crying over that outfit her parents stuck on her.

Brian: Hey, check out those solar system pants.

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Me: I bet guys walk up to her and say “Show me Uranus”. High five!

On the day of our marriage, who knew “Until death do us part” would be a total misconception? We’ll still be together even after death…in hell.

Here’s the crazy part…as we were people watching, we were actually being people watched! By this lady:

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Lady: Excuse me, are you two dating?

Me: Um, no. We’ve been married for 13 years.

Lady: Really? Well I’ve been sitting here observing you for a while (’cause that’s not weird) and I have to say, the way he just stares at you when you talk, well, he’s just so madly in love with you! I wish my husband would look at me like that, so intently. It’s like when Brad Pitt watches Angelina Jolie. I though for sure you were on a date.

Me: Aww, thanks.

Lady to Brian: Has anyone ever told you that you have bedroom eyes?

Brian: Thanks. I really have no idea what to say to that, but thanks.

The conversation went on and on about bedroom eyes and circled back to Brad & Angelina again and again. When we left, I was feeling pret-ty good about our relationship…and then Brian said, “From the moment she sat down, I KNEW she wanted to get our attention and strike up a conversation. That’s why I made sure to keep my eyes focused on you. It almost worked.”

Someday he’ll learn to leave well enough alone.

Sunday, we flew home.

They say it might snow on Thursday.

Brian says I looked depressed today.

I don’t want to talk about it.

How was your weekend?

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The Weekend in Crappy Pics…winter hell

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If you read my blog regularly, you are my most cuddly-wuddly favorite, and you may have noticed that I haven’t posted as frequently this winter.

*A relief to Marsha M. from Rochester, NY who, despite repeated requests, I have yet to remove from my email list.

The truth is, I’ve been going through a pretty tough time this season. What with discontinuing my eyelash extensions, my recent addiction to carbohydrates, and the 50 billion snow days that have us stuck in this house together while gray clouds loom overhead, it’s no surprise that I find myself in the midst of a winter depression.

And it turns out that moping around while planning a relocation to Florida can be a total time suck. No really. To say that I spend my free time fantasizing about living in Florida would be a gross understatement- I spend ALL MY TIME fantasizing about living in Florida. So far, things are really coming together. I’ll send you a housewarming invite when I get there.

Enough whinning, let me tell you about our weekend through the eyes of a wintertime depressive…

On Friday, I set the microwave on fire.

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In an attempt to eat healthier by eliminating the chemicals found in most store bought microwave popcorn bags, I used a plain brown paper bag and organic kernels. But after battling the flames caused by a dry paper bag igniting, I considered that it might be healthier to ingest the Perfluorooctanoic Acid rather than to die in a house fire.

Can you imagine burnt popcorn being the last thing you smell?

Later that night, I researched microwaves and Florida school districts.

 

Saturday, Ana had ANOTHER classmate’s birthday party to attend (reason enough to consider homeschooling).

She was dragging her feet as usual, so I said, “If you don’t get dressed, we’re not going!”

please don’t get dressed, please don’t get dressed, please don’t get dressed” became my silent mantra.

Ana: I don’t want to go anyway!

Sadly, a lie. She likes to build up my hopes then knock ’em down like blocks- blocks that spell out the word SUCKER. My changing facial expressions must make for great entertainment.

Me: Why not?

Ana: I don’t like Olivia.

Me: Why?

Ana: Every time we have lunch bunch, she shows me the food in her mouth. It’s gross!

Me: Oh, c’mon. So she doesn’t chew with her mouth closed, that’s no reason not to like her.

Ana: She does it on purpose! She opens her mouth and goes “ahhhhhh”.

Me: I’m sure you’re exaggerating.

 

She wasn’t…

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I’ve decided to focus my efforts on the West coast of Florida, as the beaches are absolutely stunning,

On Sunday, the master bathroom toilet tank stopped filling up …much like my soul in this godforsaken northeast polar vortex.

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So I fixed it. I also replaced the handle AND bought a new toilet seat and told everyone to enjoy their next shit on me.

I’m leaning towards the Sarasota area, it seems the most family friendly.

Sunday night, sensing my downward mental spiral, Brian offered to help me with dinner. He’s a great cook so I was very grateful for the help…until I found out he knew jack-shit about pounding chicken breasts. That’s when things got tense.

Him: What do you mean it’s not thin enough? Did you see how hard I was pounding? It can’t take that much effort to flatten a breast. No, I’m pretty sure this is as thin as it gets.

Me: Brian, it does take that much effort. Why else would I try flattening them with my SUV? (that did NOT go well)

few minutes later…

Brian: Yeah, baby! I got the hang of it now!

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This was one of the better ones.

After dinner, Brian cleaned up the kitchen and gave Ana a bath while I measured out my first glass of red wine in a week.

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Did I forget to mention that I’m on a diet? Oh yes, because nothing helps to lift winter depression like giving up alcohol and drastically restricting one’s caloric intake.

That’s ok though, I like to pretend that the rumbling sounds in my stomach are actually waves crashing down on the coast of Florida, it helps me fall asleep without all the crying.

How was your weekend? Have a southern home for sale?

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bunny

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