Free Advice Friday

Free Advice Friday! Dear Kim, Summer is here…what the hell am I going to do with my kids?

May 31, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

My kids are getting out of school soon,any helpful advice or ideas for kids’ summer fun? I have 2 boys and 1 girl, and they’re very active!

Thanks!

Brenda in Bored, USA

P.S. – We don’t have much family around so that’s not an option.

Dear Brenda,

You certainly have come to the right place!

I don’t know how long you’ve been reading my blog, but last year I set out on a personal mission to entertain my kids (and consequently the neighbors’ kids) for a entire week! That’s right Brenda, I single handedly created activities for 5 children and actually interacted with them for 5 full days, between the hours of noon-ish & 2pm. I called our program Camp Cheapo. Our mascot was a Toyota hubcap we found while on our Starbucks sponsored nature walk. We named him Rusty.

If you want to know more about Camp Cheapo, kindly look on my left sidebar (<—-) and you’ll see a category box. Simply select “notes from Camp Cheapo” and you can read all about my successes and failures in great detail. But for the purpose of today’s post, I’m going to highlight some of our favorite activities, along with some changes I’ll be implementing this year.

Brenda, what I failed to recognize last summer was a child’s need for predictability and routine – my “Sooo, what do you guys want to do now?” itinerary resulted in some poor decisions:

So this year’s Camp Cheapo schedule is going to be well planned and look something like this (feel free to print this out):

9:oo am – Breakfast Scavenger Hunt (minus the clues) – make your children a large breakfast and hide it around the house (ex. bacon in the shower, Pop Tart in the toy box, etc.) While they’re searching for food, you can enjoy your coffee.

10:00 am – Visit Walmart and the Dollar Store for all of your supplies. No need to get dressed just yet.

12:00 pm – (That’s right, it’s noon already. What? You really think you can get your kids to the store and back before noon?) Return home and get everyone dressed in crappy clothes or swimsuits.

Noon-ish – Have your children gather their friends ( I recommend no more than 5 children for every 1 adult…more than that and you’re their bitch).

12:30 pm – (insert messy activities here) ideas include:

BODY PAINTING (I think she painted her legs to match her mood)

MAKING DIARRHEA-LIKE GOOP

SHAVING CREAM FIGHT (*note: Menthol really burns the eyes…but it smells the best)

GUMMY WORM RETRIEVAL CONTEST (you will want to barf)

PRETEND LAWN PEEING (the boys came up with this one)

WATER BALLOON FIGHT (warning: it’ll take you hours to fill them and only seconds to use them. It’s as rewarding as making a gourmet dinner for your dog)

12:45 pm – take them to the neighborhood pool, put a life vest on the non-swimmers, and tell them to meet you at the car at 2pm (or later if they let you read your Vogue)

Brenda, I hope I’ve given you some ideas, though they’ll probably only last you about an hour. But don’t despair, I’m currently collecting ideas on my Pinterest board, cleverly titled “Camp Cheapo”. If you have an account you can follow me by clicking here.

Additionally, my friend Leslie over at In The Powder Room has a few brilliant ideas that she’s developing (child laborish, shhh), I suggest you check her out too!

Have a great summer and whatever you do DON”T go camping…unless it’s in an air conditioned cabin with a minibar, coffee maker, and sign that says “Embassy Suites”.

Kim

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23 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday Tagged With: activities, camp, cheapo, free advice, kids, shaving cream, summer, water balloons

Free Advice Friday! From Frumpy to Fabulous!

May 24, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

The summer season will be here next week and I look like crap. I dread taking my kids to the pool! Do you have any tips or advice to get me in shape quick? Ok, maybe not in shape, but maybe feeling better about myself?

Sincerely,

Frumpy in Frampton

Dear Frumpy,

Obviously you haven’t seen my body lately. In fact, just before reading your letter I was trying to determine if I prefer my chocolate chips to be milk chocolate or dark chocolate. I tried doing a blind taste test with my industrial sized Costco bags, but no one was there to tell me which one I selected. So tomorrow I’m setting up a scoring system and creating elimination rounds based on flavor, texture, swimwear, and raw talent. I hear milk Chocolate will perform a fire swallowing act- clearly a bad decision. But I digress…

Frumpy, despite my recent weight gain, I do have some advice for you (and trust me, I’d look a lot worse if I didn’t follow it).

Diet

Eat healthier! Avoid sugars, simple carbs, and alcohol on weekdays, between the hours of 9am – 9:15am. If you slip up, don’t be too hard on yourself, fifteen minutes is a long time to abstain.

Also, consider replacing the unhealthy snacks in your house with healthy ones, something you’d never eat in a million years. For example, try replacing Doritos with Mexican Spice flavored worms,

or substituting potato chips with salt & vinegar crickets,

or chocolate bars with laxatives.

Water

Drink water, tons and tons of water! If you hate the taste of plain water, you can always add lemon or filter it through ground coffee beans and fermented grapes from the Napa region.

Fitness

Making small changes, like taking the stairs instead of the elevator, choosing a stand up tanning booth instead of a lay down one, mixing cake batter by hand, and riding your bike to the Dairy Queen in one of those reflective sweatsuits, can make tiny differences in your overall health. And those tiny differences, my friend, will add up to make small differences that you can almost maybe see!

If you’re feeling really motivated, consider joining a gym that offers free childcare. You can use that hour to have some coffee and think about ways to get in shape.

Motivation

There are a lot of different ways to motivate yourself, but I’m only familiar with the unhealthy ones, like self-shaming. This can be anything from squeezing a thigh into your size 4 wedding dress to lining the inside of your sunglasses with fat pics of yourself. The sky’s the limit.

Also, know your weaknesses, anticipate the ways in which you’ll sabatoge yourself, and have an action plan to circumvent them. For example, I know that if it’s storming I won’t get out of my car and walk from the gym parking lot to the gym. So now, when it rains, I arrive in the parking lot an hour early and call AAA to tell them that my car broke down. When they arrive, I ask them for a ride to the front door. Don’t worry, it’s all covered under my insurance.

Frumpy, I hope I’ve given you some advice you can use. I’m almost certain that if you follow my suggestions, you’ll be in shape in no time…(really…there’s no time in which you’ll be in shape).

Have a great summer!
Kim

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15 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday Tagged With: advice, exercise, free, gym, health

Free Advice Friday! A pain in the pianist.

May 16, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

I signed my daughter up for piano lessons last month because she begged and begged, claiming it was her dream to be a Pianist. I even went so far as to buy her a used upright piano to practice on. Suddenly, she’s decided that she’s no good at it and lacks natural talent, so she wants to quit. I’m not sure if I should make her continue or let her give up. What would you do?

Sincerely,
Pain in the Piano, Pam

Dear Pam,

Let me give you some straight forward advice in the most roundabout way that I can…

When I was in high school, I remember my father desperately trying to lower his blood pressure by trying a variety of relaxation techniques suggested to him by his doctor.

One day, he came home with a Yanni tape and announced to the family that he was going to listen to this “angel of the piano” everyday, in the car, on his way home from work. He believed that, after 5pm, Yanni was his key to a stress free existence. After 7pm, it was vodka.

Pam, this is how that went:

Day 1: One minute in, the tape deck ate his Yanni tape.
So…he went out and bought another one.

Day 2: Five minutes in, the tape deck ate his second Yanni tape.
So…he went out and bought another one.

Day 3: The tape deck ate his third Yanni tape …and spit it out!

So…he pulled up to our house and grabbed his hammer from the laundry room. He then walked past my frightened mother, pulled the tape deck out of car and began smashing it all over the sidewalk. Not surprisingly, the two approaching church missionaries made a u-turn.

Day 4: He went out and bought a new tape deck and a fourth Yanni tape.
And that bitch worked, Pam! It worked! I never saw a man so relaxed.

The Moral

That week, I learned three moderately valuable lessons from my dad:

Lesson 1- Always use medication to treat high blood pressure.

Lesson 2- Foam flip flops embedded with crushed electronics can double as tap shoes.

Lesson 3- Never give up on your dreams! (unless your dreams are bat shit crazy and involve me.)

Pam, I recommend sharing this inspirational story with your daughter, I think she’ll have a change of heart, and perhaps be moved to tears. I’m told my stories usually evoke tears.

Yours Truly (but not really),
Kim

[embedit snippet=”yani”]

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9 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday, Uncategorized

Free Advice Friday! A Mother’s Day Edition

May 10, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

Mother’s Day is this weekend, and my family wants to spend the whole day with me. While many mothers would enjoy that, I kinda want my husband to take care of the kids and let me have the whole day to myself. You see, I’m a stay at home mom, and having some time to myself would be my ideal gift. How do I tell my family this without hurting their feelings?

Thanks,

Agnes

Dear Agnes,

Several years ago, I too was faced with a similar dilemma. That’s when I developed the Better MOMS weekend.

For a fee (it’s really quite large), I’ll pick you up in the used Merry Maids vehicle I bought at an auction, and whisk you away to the spa of your choice. But don’t fret Agnes, using my cleverly crafted Better MOMS brochure, your family will think you’re at a Holiday Inn attending a horrendous weekend full of cooking, cleaning, and child rearing classes, all in an effort to be a “better mom”. Little do they know Better MOMS stands for “Better Method Of Maintaining Sanity”.

Agnes, having run this scam for several years now, I’ve thought of everything. First of all, all financial transaction will be filtered through me; all of your spa treatments, drinks, and comedy show tickets will appear on your credit card as “One Classy Motha, inc.”. No, I’m not incorporated, but I found a loophole, the “inc” is short for incognito…because that’s what you’ll be, Agnes. That reminds me, upon pickup, you’ll be given a undercover name like Tigress, Luscious, or One Who Doesn’t Do Dishes. Mine is Candy Ass.

In addition to money laundering, during your trip I’ll send home customized letters to your family, updating them on everything you’re learning. In order to successfully pull this off, prior to your trip, I’ll send you a questionnaire asking you about your family: their names, ages, interests, and dislikes. The food dislikes are key here. Everything they hate will be things you’ll claim to be learning. This way you won’t be asked to replicate anything once you return home. Example, your husband hates seafood? Guess what? All our recipes involve shrimp or tilapia. Vegetarian? We spent the whole weekend BBQ-ing pork. Lactose intolerant? We learned to churn butter.

As for cleaning, every enrollee will return home with a gift certificate good for a year of Merry Maids service! Of course, you’ll have paid for this in your fee.

And child rearing? I’ll send you back with stickers, lollipops, and iTunes gift cards…basically an arsenal of bribery material that is compatible with all ages and maturity levels.

Agnes, I wish you had reached out to me sooner as it’s too late to enroll for the 2013 weekend. But if you’re interested in the 2014 weekend, let me know soon and I’ll get a brochure right out to you. Oh, and I require 100% payment up front- I’ve been burned before, Agnes.

Have a wonderful weekend with your family. I’ll think of you while nestled in my seaweed wrap.

Kim

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8 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday Tagged With: free advice, mother's day, weekend

Free Advice Friday! Dear Kim, Summer is here…what the hell am I going to do with my kids?

Free Advice Friday! From Frumpy to Fabulous!

Free Advice Friday! A pain in the pianist.

Free Advice Friday! A Mother’s Day Edition

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