Dear Kim,

Before I became a stay at home mom, I had a successful career as a corporate lawyer. I used to go to dinner parties and impress people with my job title and responsibilities. But now when someone asks, “So what do you do for a living?”, I don’t know how to answer them. I’m not sure who I am anymore. I think I’m going through a bit of an identity crisis right now. Do you have any advice?

Sincerely,

Melinda in Whoville, CA

Dear Melinda,

You’re not alone, sister! I’ve been there. Fortunately, I have some straightforward advice, but unfortunately, I feel compelled to tell it in the most convoluted way possible.

Years ago, I knew this guy named Neil. Neil was a regular at my anger management program, which I held every Monday and Wednesday night at the Sussex County Community Center. He was a really nice guy with this super calm demeanor. In fact, he was so calm I started to think he was only there for the free donuts and Starbucks coffee. So one day, I pulled Neil aside, confronted him with my suspicions, and asked him to leave the group. Melinda, he became so outraged over my accusations that he punched a hole in the wall- right next to my head!

“Now that’s more like it!” I said, “Welcome back to the group!”

Shortly after that, Neil stopped coming. I thought about him often, but my life went on: I eventually got fired from my anger management position because of my temper, became a life coach at SUX 2B U, left that job because my clients weren’t self-motivated enough, opened WTF Greeting Cards but it got shut down because of air conditioning issues (something about a sweat shop), made the USA Trampoline Team only to be kicked off because of my incontinence problem, then I finally settled down and had kids. Now I’m a stay-at-home mom without a paying job. Melinda, like you, I felt like I had lost my identity…well, actually, several identities. But I digress, this story is about Neil…

About 8 years ago, I saw Neil in a Sears parking lot getting into this black Mercedes convertible. I ran right over and asked him why he never returned to the group. This is what he told me…

While in Boston, on the way to a Celtics game, he was jumped by a group of diners gathered outside of a TGI Friday’s restaurant (coincidentally, this happened on a Friday). When he woke up in the hospital, he couldn’t remember his name, address, or phone number- basically he forgot who he was and all his identification had been stolen. The only things he had were the clothes on his back, a basketball jersey and shorts. For days, he sat around thinking he might be a basketball star. It wasn’t until he threw his empty pudding cup at the wastebasket and missed that he knew his assumption had been wrong.

Deciding to embrace his anonymity, he fell in love with the nurse who catheterized him (he didn’t need a catheter, he was just too lazy to get up and pee) and together they moved to Cancun, purchased a capuchin monkey named Monty, and started a business taking pictures of Monty on the shoulders of drunken vacationers. They called it Monkey Business (not a very clever name if you ask me). Monkey Business was a huge success and now they have franchises all over the world! (UPDATE: I looked this up and I think Neil might have exaggerated this part).

Just think, if Neil had known who he really was, he might have gone back to his wife and 7 kids and missed out on this wonderful adventure.

So Melinda, here’s my two cents: When you don’t know who you are, you’re free to stop operating within the confines of who you’re supposed to be.

Whoa! That’s some heavy shit I just laid on you! I say get that printed on some cocktail napkins and take them to your next dinner party.

Yours in identity crisis,

Kim

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