پاکستان میں Mostbet com ویب سائٹ ملاحظہ کریں، اور آپ یقینی طور پر کھیلوں پر شرط لگانے یا آن لائن کیسینو میں کھیلنے کے لیے یہاں واپس آنا چاہیں گے۔ کھیلوں کے شائقین کو ایونٹس کے ایک بڑے انتخاب، مختلف پروموشنز اور بونسز، مفت بیٹس، مفت گھماؤ اور زیادہ مشکلات تک رسائی حاصل ہے۔ اور کھیل کو مزید آسان بنانے کے لیے، ہم نے ایک موبائل ایپلیکیشن تیار کی ہے جسے آپ آسانی سے اپنے فون پر انسٹال کر سکتے ہیں۔

Free Advice Friday! Keep your kid’s hands crap free.

February 8, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

I dared to venture out to the local mall ” to get out of the house” with not one but two children, a two and a half year old and a 4 month old. I rarely take on this feat solo and told myself “the woman across the street has five children…what’s my excuse”.

As I was browsing the Disney store it hit me…like a knife stabbing….if I didn’t swoop up the toddler now I was going to shit my pants. What do I do? Brave the public restroom with two kids or “bet on black” and attempt the ride home (1/2 a mile). Well…I wasn’t making it out the door so I sprinted with a two man snap and go and verbally prepped the two year old” do not touch a thing in the bathroom, you sit in this stroller and keep our hands to yourself”. I was desperate…the thought of bringing them into a public restroom made me want to vomit at the same time.

I barely made it…ever time my daughter would move I would yell ” don’t touch a thing”….followed by an assplosion. The dirty was done…I felt filthy and violated. I think I’d rather shit my pants and deal with it later. So, the question is…how does such a classy lady handle a public restrooms with young children?

Desperately seeking answers,

Mom of 2 flagged kids in Shitcinnatti, OH

 

Dear Flaggie,

You’ve come to the right place. Did you know that, in some circles, I’m known as “The Poopologist”? I have an uncanny ability to determine what you’ve eaten and the current state of your health by merely glancing at your crap. It’s truly a gift. I’m like the palm reader of the fecal world.

As a poopologist, I’m all too aware of the diseases that can spread through shit. That’s why, when Ana accompanies me to a public bathroom I have her wear the “Shit Mitt”.

The Shit Mitt is simply an over-sized pair of gloves clipped to the child’s sleeve. This will prevent the child’s hand from coming in contact with any cooties that happen to be laying around. When you’re done using the restroom, just remove the Shit Mitt with a doggie poop bag, and throw it in the washer upon returning home.

*When choosing your perfect Shit Mitt, make sure they are durable enough to withstand multiple washings and the occasional bleaching.

 
For those children who are Shit Mitt savvy, I suggest using Chinese Finger Traps.

Hey kids, Chinese finger traps are a fun and festive alternative to touching diseases!

Now occasionally, I’ll come across the kid who throws off the Shit Mitt, figures out the Chinese finger traps, and defies all reasoning by licking the bathroom floor. For that child, I’ve developed the Fecal (does) Matter Program.

The Fecal (does) Matter Program is a “feces centered” scare tactic program that I created with help from some of the top Google results pages in the country. It skillfully addresses both public restroom germ education and prevention.

I can’t tell you the details of my program without you first sending me some money, but I can tell you that every participant receives a “Fecal (does) Matter” preventative t-shirt (sm-med. sizes only). This t-shirt carries our logo and is cleverly designed with sleeves that have been sewn shut. Simply slip it over their heads when you’re in a nasty stall and it’ll keep those little hands from touching disgusting bathroom stuff.

 

A happy graduate of the program!

I’m proud to say that I’ve traveled to many schools delivering my presentation with a high success rate. Alright, maybe they were home schools…and maybe by home schools, I mean homes…and by homes, I mean 1 home…but that kid was very receptive. In fact, he now refuses to even touch a toilet. Sure, he’s back to shitting his pants, but his hands are germ free and his parents couldn’t be happier!

Flaggie, I hope I was able to give you some ideas and options that work for you and your little germ catchers. Let me know if you’d be interested in receiving a free trial Fecal (does) Matter DVD, it’s basically a slide show of me using antibacterial soap but I think it’ll give you a real feel for the program.

Until then, keep your ass clean and your kids cleaner,

Kim

 
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5 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday Tagged With: , , , ,

Free Advice Friday – The perfect pet does exist.

February 1, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

My kids have been asking for a pet for the last 2 years. I think they’re ready for the responsibility. What kind of animal do you think would make the best “first pet”?

Laurie in Pettingham, AL

 

Dear Laurie,

I understand your desire to have your children learn about the responsibility and sense of companionship that comes with pet ownership. Studies show that when a child cares for an animal it can help them to become a more empathetic and nurturing person in an otherwise cruel world. Just don’t get a bird. My bird Petey was a total dick.

Laurie, I’ve had newts, fish, crabs (fresh water, not pubic), iguanas…basically all sorts of aquarium pets and they’ve all had the same thing in common, they smell like ass. And not normal ass, the kind of ass that takes three bowls of all beef chili. Don’t do it.

And don’t be fooled by cute bunnies or rodents, they just leave little turds around the house which you’ll always think are spilled chocolate chips until you’ve tasted them.

We currently have two dogs and a cat. What a mess. Mr. Bojangles has continual diarrhea flare ups which I believe is linked to him using the cat’s litter box like some kind of walk up sushi bar. And our three legged dog, Buddy, has me sewing felt vaginas to pay for his anal gland surgery. (click here to buy a Beaver Baby)

I swore I would never get another animal again. Then a couple months ago Ana was crying about wanting another pet. I kinda figured this was coming because she kept killing the ants I gave her. In her defense, she was only trying to pet them.

The first and last time she would pet Timmy.

I got to thinking about what kind of pet would be best for our family and I that’s when I brought home Rickalick, our invisible dog. The kids didn’t buy it at first but then I explained to them “just because you don’t see the invisible fence doesn’t mean it’s not there”. Then I let them hold the dog collar and walk through it. They couldn’t argue with my logic.

Rickalick is great. He never barks. The kids can take him for walks off leash because he never leaves their side. They spend hours in the backyard throwing balls for him to chase (he doesn’t like to fetch). And late at night, he and I curl up with a glass of Cabernet and some cheese…and he doesn’t steal my damn food when I get up to pee (Mr. Bojangles, you suck).

Of course, continuously convincing the kids they have an invisible dog is not without some effort. At least once a week I have to bring dog poop into the house and put it on the carpet. “Bad Rickalick, bad dog”. Then I make one of the kids clean it up since it’s their pet. And once a year we take him to our vet who gives our invisible dog a very visible bill for wasting his time.

Having Rickalick is really starting to pay off. Kids in the neighborhood are asking for their own invisible dog, so we’ve adopted some more dogs and have started a breeding center in our downstairs powder room, called I.D.I.O.T.S. (Invisible Dog Institute Of Total Suckers). We’re hoping to have them weaned and potty trained by spring.

Rickalick with the neighborhood kids. We couldn’t get him to smile.

Laurie, I’ve enclosed an adoption form along with an outline of our fees. If you’re interested in an invisible dog for your family just mail it back in with a deposit, preferably a cashier’s check.

Good Luck,

Kim

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7 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday Tagged With: , ,

Free Advice Friday – Bickering Bettys

January 25, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Hey Kim,

I can’t take the bickering between the two girls (my daughter and niece). They may as well be sisters because they spend everyday together. I told them in the car today that I am going to keep a squirt bottle on me so every time one of them whines, takes something from the other, or slaps the other, I am going to squirt them. It worked to keep the cat off the counter. I figure, they are acting like animals so why not treat them like one. It’s more PC than a cattle prodder right? Thoughts….lol!

Emily in Bickerington, WA

Dear Emily,

I like your idea and I totally respect people that think outside the box. However, I see the water squirting as a potential mold and mildew problem. You’re going to be squirting so much that your house is going to be constantly soaked. I, myself, have gone through this problem with my own children. I have a possible solution but let me begin with a little story…

Once upon a time, I had a fish tank that contained a Barb fish, a newt, a fresh water crab, and a Betta fish. I’m not sure if you’re familiar with the characteristics of these aquatic creatures but this was a bad, bad combination. The kid at “Wet Dreams Fish Emporium” could’ve told me as much but he was too busy flirting with the girl restocking the fluorescent aquarium gravel.

Anyway, within hours of meeting one another, the Betta attacked the barb and the barb chewed the feet off of the newt (who we named Nubby). It was a savage scene.

So you know what I did Emily? I separated them. That’s right, I set up aquariums all around the room and gave them each their own space to swim safely and freely.

I wish I could tell you that this story had a happy ending. Unfortunately it doesn’t. The new tanks didn’t have lids so it wasn’t long before our cats ate both the fish. And a few days after that I found the fresh water crab in the back of my bedroom closet, dead. And in his claw, he held the lifeless body of the newt. A murder-suicide.

But here’s my point…separate them. Now I understand that you can’t physically separate them because you need to care for them both, so visually separate them. One word for you…blinders, because out of sight = out of mind.

I’m going to show you how to make blinders. The kids can wear these at home, in the car, at stores or restaurants, basically anywhere you want them to ignore each other. I even use these to watch TV when my family is in the room.

*I don’t recommend them when crossing the street.

Blinders

Materials:

Pop tart box

headband

duct tape

scissors

materials to decorate

Instructions:

1. Cut the panels from the pop tart box

2. Let each child decorate the plain side of 2 panels

3. Attach 1 panel to each side of a headband with duct tape

4. It’s ready to wear! Enjoy the silence of having 2 children ignore one another!

Emily, I hope I was able to help you. I understand that this isn’t a perfect solution but it’s the best one I have to offer. It really has worked out for us. Each kid gets that “only child” special feeling and, while we discourage eye contact, we do let them write letters to one another to keep in touch. Plus they see each other on holidays and the occasional play date.

Please let me know how you’re doing, unless it’s bad…I only enjoy pleasant emails.

Good Luck!

Kim

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Could you click this button and vote for me….pretty please? Voting is once every 24 hours.  Thank you!

a mom blog community!

4 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Free Advice Friday – Your period and you.

January 18, 2013 Written by One Classy Motha

Dear Kim,

I suffer from horrible periods. They make me miserable! I feel fat, ugly, and I’m just really depressed for about a week every month. Do you have any suggestions?

Florence in Vaginaton, VA

Dear Flo,

You’ve come to the right place for help. About 6 years ago, I was a PMS/Menses counselor. I bet you’ve never heard of a PMS/Menses counselor before, I hadn’t either prior to opening my business, PMS-R-Us, (Preventing Mental Shittiness).

Initially, I had trouble getting my name out there and locating potential clients. But then I began sprinkling my cards around tampon aisles, candy aisles, and in liquor stores like they were confetti. The response from the menstruating community was immediate and intense (bitches be batty!).

Sadly, my business was only open for 3 weeks. I started the day after my period, determined to help other women in my situation, and quit 21 days later because everyone was getting on my GODDAMN nerves.

But lucky for you Flo, I’m in a better mood today, and I do have some tips:

– Stock your closet with a week’s worth of clothes that are two sizes too big. They’ll either fit that week or make you feel really skinny. Either way you win.

– Throw out your digital scale and purchase the kind with the dial. At the onset of PMS you’ll need to ask your husband or significant other to turn the dial back 5-10 pounds. If he asks which, say “surprise me”. If he’s any kind of man he’ll turn it back 15lbs.

And Flo, here’s the most important thing you can do…

– Make yourself a tampon crown. You read that right. Every month I make myself a tampon crown, and by doing so, I turn my crappiness into a “Celebration of my Womanhood” and “I’m Not Pregnant Again!” ceremony. I dub myself, Queen Menses!

Here’s how you too can be the queen of your menses:

Queenmenses

Materials:

An empty tampon box (not regular, you want Super because you’re Super. According to my awful periods, I’m Super Plus)
5 tampons
Tape
Scissors
1 News Years Eve hat

Instructions:

1. Cut the box open and cut all the flaps off. Measure it around your hat and cut it to size.

2. Flip the box over and draw an outline of your crown, giving it 5 peaks of staggering height. Do NOT draw on the front because you will enviably screw up. Trust me, you don’t want to look in the mirror and have your crown be a reminder of  your life’s failures.

3. Cut your crown out.

4. Tape your paper crown to your New Years Eve hat. Tape a tampon to each peak. String up or string down, your crown, your choice.

5. When your crown is finished, set it on a pillow of silk, satin, or fur for maximum effect.

I prefer fur, it ties in nicely with the whole pubes thing.

5. Create a ceremony and have someone present the crown to you, addressing you as Queen Menses. Feel free to personalize this ceremony. I like to have my husband do this as I’m seated in an over-sized arm chair and drinking a chocolate martini. I hold a toilet plunger as my scepter.

6. After being crowned, dance around the room singing “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story. I don’t really know the words (I think I mix it with Zippidy Do Da) but the chorus is all I really care about.

Flo, I hope I’ve given you some ideas to counter your shittiness. Please take a picture of you wearing your crown and send it to me…it makes me feel less alone in my craziness.

Yours in menses,

Kim

6 Comments Filed Under: Free Advice Friday, Uncategorized
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