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Cheapo Wino Wednesday – A White Blend that pisses me off!

July 16, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

I am in an uproar today, people! Mess with my kids? Ok, maybe they deserved it. But mess with my wine label? OH HELL to the NO!

I’m breaking out in hives as I type this.

First, let’s pretend this is a normal wine review. Then when I introduce the bullshit that’s happened, you can either raise your fist in anger with me OR pull my panties out of my ass, because they’re in a tight bunch, waaay up there!

 

Another Cheapo Wino Review! From One Classy Motha to another!

 

Apothic White Blend 2012 – $9.99

Winemaker’s Notes:  Apothic White is an approachable blend that combines Chardonnay, Riesling, and Moscato to create a luscious, vibrant wine in the bold style of Apothic. Intense flavors of peach, pineapple, honey and vanilla spice make this smooth white blend unforgettable.

 

Kim’s Notes: Warm, smooth, and…sweet. MY GOD, THAT SHIT IS SWEET!  One sip and my teeth turned into petrified cavities, threatening to crumble in my mouth like a sugar avalanche! I tried tasting it with pickles, mixing it with vinegar, swirling in some Lysol, you name it…no help. It was like someone melted a bag of cotton candy and poured it into a bottle for clown consumption. “MAKE IT STOP!”, I screamed!

But see, here’s the funny thing, I didn’t expect it to be that sweet. check out the label on my bottle:

winereview3Chardonnay, Pinot Grigio, Riesling. I’ve had each of these, never feeling like they were too sweet.  But then, when reading the winemaker’s notes, I noticed they mentioned Moscato. Moscato? As in, drink it until you risk becoming a diabetic, Moscato? “Wait, I must be reading the wrong review.”, I thought. So I continued to search the internet. But no. Here’s another label found on the back of  the same bottle of Apothic White 2012, Winemaker’s Blend:

APT 750 09 WnmkrsBl 0710

Look familiar? Word for word, except for Moscato!

1. Exactly, how are Moscato & Pinot Grigio interchangeable?

2. Why lie on some of the bottles?

and 3. How dare they!

After finishing my second glass (because it’d have to taste like piss for me to pour it out), I said, “Screw this!” and opened a bottle of my favorite cheapo wine, 2011 Carnivor Red Blend.

But then this tragedy unfolded:

winereview1

No, I’m not referring to my nail polish. Just look at that cork bleeding with oxygenated red wine!

“Oh thy wine, why hast thy ploteth against me?”

But I drank it anyway, and you know what?  It was STILL better than the Moscato shit that they tried to pass off as Pinot Grigio. Pinot Grigo should sue for slander.

I’m writing to Apothic tomorrow- you and I deserve an answer!

4 Comments Filed Under: cheapo wino review Tagged With: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Cheapo Wino Wednesday! I’m back and I brought a friend! Muirwood Cabernet

May 21, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha
A couple of weeks ago I was scanning the internet for like-minded, cheapo wino reviewers, like myself, and I stumbled upon Andy from Wineguider.com. I liked him. I liked him a lot. Maybe because he also poo-pooed Abbeyville Cabernet, thereby reassuring me that I wasn’t a total clueless, wine-tasting asshole. You see, I require an incredible amount of validation and I’m partial to those that provide it.

 

Anyway, I thought it’d be fun to invite Andy to do a He Said/She said review…and he agreed!

 

The problem…I asked him to review the 2010 Muirwood Cabernet (because I liked their Chardonnay so much) but his Total Wine only had the 2011. I said, “Sure, let’s do the 2011.” So then, of course, my Total Wine only had the 2012. SONOFABITCH. As a result, today we are comparing the 2011 & 2012. Two reviews on one post, it’s your lucky day! I pray your day gets better.

 

Here we go!
muirwoodcan

2011 Muirwood Cabernet Sauvignon – $13.99

Wineguider says : The 2011 Muirwood cabernet from Total Wine is a nice contender for those who are fed up with overly-sweet, generic California cabs.

 
It has a slight “kick” to it, consisting of eucalyptus, cinnamon, and maybe even mint notes. It’s not too sweet or too viscous, but it does have a bit of vanilla to its aroma that carries forward to its taste. Of course, being a California cabernet, it has plenty of oaky tannins, but they are soft. More interesting is the cedar in there.

This cab is not really a crowd-pleaser, maybe because of its eucalyptus notes. But it goes beautifully with grilled ribeye, as we noted tonight, which is far more important. Food kicks it up a notch.

Watch out if you’re tasting Muirwood by itself – those unusual overtones can take on an almost medicinal character.

Bottom line: although it’s not for everyone, at $14, this red is:

Recommended.

 

Kim says: Holy shit, Wineguider, look at you, bumping my page up a professional notch! I guarantee most of my readers just double checked the URL.

Alright, so I went to Total Wine to find the Muirwood 2011 but they only had the 2012 (which I bought, because wine), so then I went to 3 other liquor stores until a helpful liquor clerk said “Lady, the only place in this state that you’ll find Muirwood is at Total Wine.” What? Why? Sounds like some Mafia shenanigans going on.
 
Anyway, now I’m reviewing the 2012. That’s ok- Wineguider, pretty much called the 2011 ‘a bottle of cough medicine when guzzled on an empty stomach’. Sounds like I dodged a bullet.

muirwoodcan

2012 Muirwood Cabernet Sauvignon – $12.99

 

I found this wine to be medium bodied and supple but not quite firm, much like the condition of my abs despite a bazillion planks and those god-awful stomach crunches that my kick-boxing instructor swore would get me into bikini shape by June. Well it’s the end of May, Gina, and the only thing “firm” about me is my conviction that you’re a LIAR! But I digress.

When it first touched my tongue, I found it to be a bit mellow, but as it cascaded down my throat I sensed some oaky notes and a slight tang…but not the kind of tang that pisses you off, more like the kind that says “Hey lady, you just wait, I’m going to be somebody someday!” So my suggestion to you is to buy it now and drink it when it grows up.

 

Seriously guys, I need to thank Andy for the kickass review! Make sure to check out his other reviews at www.wineguider.com

 

 

.

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2 Comments Filed Under: cheapo wino review, Uncategorized Tagged With: , , ,

Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday

April 9, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

As you may know, I simply adore oaky chardonnays which, according to fou-fou wine forums, pretty much makes me the white trash of the wine world. Ok, maybe not “loves white Zinfandel” or pronounces Merlot as “Mer-LOT” wine trash, but wine trash none-the-less. Well guess what? They can suck it!

Today, I give to you my current fave…muirwood

Muirwood Chardonnay Arroyo Seco, 2012 – $12.99

 

Winemaker’s Notes: 

 A full-bodied Chardonnay with a generous helping of Golden Delicious apple and buttered pear flavors. Savory and delicious on its own; an apple-stuffed pork loin would be an ideal food pairing.

 

Liquor World forum reviews: 

“When Chardonnay comes to mind people generally think of medium/light bodied wines that don’t have overbearing tastes. This wine just has way to strong an Oak taste and is not an overall satisfying taste for most drinkers.” – Polar Vortex   Too strong an oak taste? Oak taste not satisfying for most drinkers? SHUT YOUR PIEHOLE, Polar Vortex! You (and the weather you were named after) can go to Hell.

“I don’t know why the words citrus or tropical are in the description, but if you like a heavier fully bodied chardonnay, this one is worth a try and won’t break the bank. It has a very nice finish that doesn’t leave you wanting a glass of water later, but rather you are content with the flavor of the wine lingering on your pallet.  Usually, I enjoy a white wine but then find myself getting something else to drink later.” – Cab Clown I was right there with you, Cab Clown…but when you got to the part about drinking water instead of wine, quite frankly, I became disoriented and confused. I also felt some anger surfacing.

“You know I almost hate to do this cause when you hit a winner like Muirwood Chardonnay Arroyo Seco you almost want to keep it hush hush it’s THAT GOOD. Kim Crawford used to be my go to Char in the 10 buck club but not now. ~~Waves~~ good bye to Kimmy.”  – AdMan  Oh SNAP, AdMan! Don’t let the door hit you in the ass, Kimmy.

 

Kim’s Notes: Plump, smooth, and round…everything I imagine an Italian mother to be.

Unlike Polar Vortex, I didn’t find the oak taste to be overbearing.  In fact, I loved it IN SPITE of it not having a super oaky flavor. This is the kind of wine you could drink all night…until you realize that the bottle’s almost gone, so then you cork it and put the last 2 ounces back in the refrigerator just so you can tell yourself “If I had a drinking problem, I would have finished it.” You can trust me on this, I’ve sampled it A LOT.

Pairs well with pork rinds and menstrual cramps.

 
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4 Comments Filed Under: cheapo wino review Tagged With: , , , , , ,

Good News for Cheapo Winos Everywhere! A Favorites List!

January 24, 2014 Written by One Classy Motha

I know I missed Cheapo Wino Review Wednesday and it just breaks my little heart to think about my readers and their collective disappointment, but here’s what happened:

As I was rummaging through the fridge on Tuesday night, I found all the makings of a Chocolate Martini hidden behind some well-expired leftovers and a few cartons of hardly consumed, nutrient filled, healthy crap, green  juice. What lay before me was a horrifying barrier to all that was good and delicious, but I couldn’t let that deter me!  Answer me this, if you found a diamond ring in the middle of your dog’s shit, would you say “That’s disgusting! I’m not pulling that out!”  NO! You hose that bitch off and wear it!

Anywhoo, to make it up to you I…are you ready for this?…created a whole page dedicated to my favorite cheapo wines! Go on, look up on my navigation bar.

Simply click the navigation bar or the big ass button below, print out the page, and go shopping! *Remember, Cheapo Winos always negotiate a 10% discount on the purchase of 3 or more bottles.

cheapo wino button

 

 

 

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valentines mug

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2 Comments Filed Under: cheapo wino review
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