Dear Kim,
I’m in my mid-forties and the mother of 3 children, ages 7, 10, & 12. I’ve been into health and fitness my whole life so, for the most part, I’m satisfied with my weight and overall body shape. However, there is one area that all the exercise in the world can’t fix, my sagging boobs! I’m talking droopy pancakes!
I can’t decide if I should just accept the fact that my breasts will never be the same and make peace with it OR if I should get a boob job and wear a kick ass bandeau bikini this summer.
What would you do if you had sagging boobs?
Sincerely,
Sagging Sally in Schenectady
Dear Sally,
IF I had sagging boobs? IF???
Here, take a look my self portraits, drawn 12 years apart….
I remember when my boobs held the attention of men everywhere, now the only thing they hold are crayons, lipstick, and a roll of quarters for the tampon vending machine.
Later, I’d find an overdue library book stashed under there.
Sally, the decision on whether or not to have a breast augmentation is a very personal one. To find your answer, you must first work through the 5 stages of boob grief…like I did.
1. Denial– Oh. My. God. was I in denial!
You saw the picture above, right? And no, I’m not bra-less in that pic, I’m wearing a strapless bra…so stupid! Does a flag fly without wind? Does a dead body stand without rigamortis? No and no. So why did I think my boobs would look just hunky dory without some industrial strength hoisting? Denial, that’s why.
2. Anger– Sometimes I’d get so angry at my boobs that I’d take off my bra, bend over, and bitch slap them as they limply dangled in the air. They didn’t even put up a fight. sad sacks.
3. Bargaining– This is known as the “if only” stage.
“If only I had worn a sports bra to bed every night.”, “If only I lived on a plant without gravity.”, “If only I hadn’t gained 70 pounds in my first pregnancy, causing my mammaries to swell to such an enormous size that they actually dragged on the ground as I walked.”
4. Depression– Some days, to cheer myself up, I’d roll my boobies like a Fruit-Roll Up and stuff them in a push-up bra, prancing around and pretending they were perky again. But the moment I unhooked my bra, they’d unroll like a red carpet…a flesh colored one…that welcomed tears, not celebrities.
5. Acceptance– Embrace your low swinging breasts and thank them for nourishing your beautiful children. And remember to be kind to yourself, knowing that beauty radiates from within ..OR Accept that you’ll need to get a second job to pay for those rockin’ new boobies!
Sally, I’m actually in the process of creating a support group for support bra wearers called “Lift Us Up”. I’m still working out the details, but at least I’ve nailed my logo. It’s a pic of women standing in a circle supporting one another…
Membership is $99 per month, which includes a weekly email from me containing clever words of encouragement, like:
“Your breasts are low, but your head is high!”
“It could be worse. Unless you’re tripping on them already.”
and jokes like:
“What did the guy say when he saw the woman with boobs down to her belly button? So loooong! …because the guy was an asshole and probably hates his mother.”
Sally, I realize the membership price might seem a bit steep but I guarantee it’s totally worth the investment…plus the proceeds are paying for my boob job.
Thanks for writing, and hang in there! Hahahaha!
Kim
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