You know I love and care about you guys deeply, right? You also know that my Tips for Tuesday, while dysfunctional and at times totally inappropriate, are meant to make your life easier and/or more interesting, right? Well, I decided that I’d bring you even more awesome tips by reaching out to some of my favorite bloggers on the web! Together, we can solve any problem! It’s like Hillary Rodham Clinton said, “It take the Village People.” I’m not really sure what she meant by that but I’ll be the construction worker.
Today’s tip is brought to you by Stephanie from When Crazy Meets Exhaustion! I just love this chick! She’s funny, smart, and disgustingly adorable. Hmm…maybe I hate her sometimes?
I first met Steph when she asked me if I’d like to guest post on her hilarious Oversharing blog series. I jumped at the opportunity, and we all know I had no trouble writing THAT post! After all, almost all my posts are oversharing. My poor husband. Anyway, after reading her tip, you MUST check her site out- you’ll laugh your ass off!
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Do you love Pinterest? Shut up.
Pinterest makes me feel inferior. All those assholes showing off their homemade birthday party decorations and treat bags can bite me. We don’t have three Dollar Generals within a four mile radius ‘round these parts for nothin’!
When I change a light bulb, I don’t hollow it out and add water to create a dainty hanging planter complete with blooms from my luscious garden. I throw that shit away because, hellooooo?!, it’s a burned out light bulb. And my garden? It’s my dogs’ toilet.
Who has the time to do this stuff?! Can anyone give me tips that will actually make my life easier and infinitely more entertaining?!
Oh, yeah; Kim can. And that’s why I love her. I love her so much that I’m sharing one of my best bad ideas with you fine folk. So sit back, relax, take off your bra if that’s what does it for ya, and behold:
I had two kids in 22 months. That added up to a lot of love and a lot of butt wiping. I started buying baby wipes in bulk to avoid losing a child beneath a heap of plastic bins, but despite my efforts, I was up to my eyeballs in blue plastic. Talk about waste!
Or not…
First up is what I have affectionately dubbed “Awww Hell Naw I Ain’t Watching Caillou Again:”
It was bad enough when I only had to share the remote with my husband, but now these little people are in my house and demanding I turn off HGTV so they can catch the latest episode of The Wiggles. Simply close the lid and conceal your lie: “I have no idea where the remote is. Sorry kids!”
I know we all have our own vices, and mine is sugar. I’ll share my uterus, but I will NOT share my chocolate.
And from what I understand, it’s frowned upon to share these with the kids:
Additional tip: these little puppies make the perfect stowaways in your diaper bag when headed to a family reunion, amusement park, or doctor appointment. Don’t judge.
My daughter is constantly approaching me with open hands and a sweet smile. Because she wants money. I used to try and distract her with a kiss or a coloring book, but she pushes away from me like I’m the old perv uncle of the family. Now she just helps herself into my purse. (Author’s note: as I was writing this, my daughter legit swallowed a penny. I had to call the pediatrician whereupon I learned that consuming coins is “normal.” As today is my seventh wedding anniversary and the traditional gift is copper, I feel like this is also “thoughtful.” Thanks, kid.)
And while we’re on the topic of my little princess, she has been increasingly difficult to feed. If it’s not Pap-Pap’s pasta or pizza or these…
…the child will not eat. I’ve enshrouded the deliciousness in here in an effort to force-feed her some vegetables, but since we are now waiting 5-7 days for the penny to pass, she can eat whatever the hell she wants.
And finally, have you any Legos or other annoying toys that tempt you to start a house fire just to be rid of them? If you answered no to that question, you’re a liar. My kids have a room filled with stuff. So much of it that I can’t wrap my brain around why they insist on playing with these creepy things:
For one thing, I step on these little effers ten times a day. For another, they don’t blink; therefore they are Satan’s playthings. Let’s close Pandora’s Box once and for all, shall we?
I’d love to hear what you do with your empty wipe bins. Unless, of course, you’ve fashioned them into a transistor radio or papier mâchéd that shit into a Christmas gift. Seriously, how do you have friends?
Make sure to vote for Steph when visiting her site!
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