Hey guys! Brian & I are still in Florida with my funny family and we’re having a blast! Sadly, I’ve already managed to pee myself on several occasions, but I stopped at Walgreens today & bought a box of panty liners, so I think I’m good to “go”. <-- see the funny I made there?
(Remember, potential thieves, my in-laws are staying at the house along with Mr. Bojangles)
And I’m really sorry, but I haven’t had a chance to write because I’ve been so busy eating, drinking, laughing, and shaving my legs (hey, it’s not easy to undo something that took weeks to create).
I’ll get back to the good ol’ laptop on Monday. In the meantime, here’s an old Free Advice Friday that I hope you’ll enjoy!
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Dear Kim,
I have been following your excellent advice and also understand you’ve added running to your repertoire of amazing abilities. I feel now is the perfect time to ask your opinion on how to handle a ‘noise’ that may sometimes squeak out from ‘behind the lower area’ when walking /running with others.
Thank you,
Slightly Embarrassed Susan
Dear Slightly,
I’m not sure I understand your nicey-nice talk. Are you trying to say that farts emanate from your ass while you run? If so, I can help.
Here’s my advice: Shit your pants.
You only have to shit your pants once, after that your friends will think nothing of a fart. Of course, they might be concerned that you’re going to shit your pants again, but if they make fun of you for that then they were never your friends to begin with. I’m a firm believer that laughing at someone for farting is funny but laughing at some one for shitting their pants is just plain cruel.
If you feel like this isn’t an option for you (ie. constipation, empty bowels, etc), I have a couple more alternatives.
1. Make it so people don’t want to run with you.
When I run I flail my arms and legs wildly. But don’t do it too wildly otherwise passersby will throw you to the ground and stick a belt in your mouth so you don’t bite off your tongue during your epileptic fit.
In addition to my running style, I take Mr. Bojangles with me (when he isn’t busy licking his own ass). We look something like this…
Mr. Bojangles, just before he pulled my jacket off.
I found that this is usually enough to put people off.
2. Muffle the sound
There are two ways of doing this. Your first choice is to make a “Wahoo!” yell as you’re farting. Now this is a little tricky because you need to be aware that you’re about to fart in order to pull this off successfully. I’m convinced that all those people in my spin class yelling “yeah, baby!” “wooo!” and “c’mon!” are all just letting one rip. That’s why I always look disgusted when I’m in there.
*Do not use this technique in meditative yoga.
The other way of doing this is an actual physical muffling. I’ve experimented with this and I find that cotton balls and a little duct tape work really well. And the duct tape actually keeps your ass from jiggling so you look tighter and firmer. An added bonus.
I hope I was able to help you, Slightly. Just stay away from the beans, nobody likes a bean fart.
Smell ya later!
Kim
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