Does your chiropractor have that new car smell?

Brian has had intermittent back and neck pain for several years now and he finally sought help through a corrective chiropractor. On his first appointment, about a week ago, the doctor went over his medical history, took some x-rays, and put him through several ‘range of motions’ tests.

Friday was his second appointment. The main purpose of this visit was to go over the test results, recommendation of care, and the “cost of care” (money, money, mon-ney) before beginning treatment. The doc suggested that Brian bring me along so that I’d be “supportive” throughout this process. WTF does that even mean?

I went…but he’s coming to my next pap smear appointment in support of my uterine care.

When we walked in the office, there were all these patients sitting, standing, and laying around. Yes, laying around- because there, in the middle of the room, were all these crazy ass tables with pulleys and levers. Sadly, I didn’t have my camera with me, but they looked something like this…

Mr. Johnson’s back was killing him.

I’m not sure if this equipment is new age or totally archaic…you can never tell with crazy shit like that.

We were quickly ushered back to a small office to wait. And after about 10 minutes the chiropractor came in, introduced himself, and began his shtick. Man, this guy was good in the most cheesiest of ways. He had a well-rehearsed, polished script that rivaled any 2 am infomercial! I bet if I asked him, ” Will adjustments make Brian’s balls smell better?” he’d say “That’s a great question, Kim!”, then enlighten me on the ‘ball smellage / poorly aligned back’ connection.

He was a true salesman to say the least- any doubt we had, he squelched it, any point we brought up, he countered it, and he did it all while straightening and bending a life size vertebrate. I think he used that vertebrate as some sort of subliminal device, because I found my back hurting when he twisted it like a double helix. In fact, when I stretched my lower back, he brought up his family discount. To shut him down, I screamed, “I’ve never felt better!” and quickly did 10 jumping jacks to prove it. I then resisted the urge to rub my shoulders (shit, they were killing me).

After an hour (YES! AN HOUR!) he announced that Brian would need to come 3 times per week (25-40 mins each) for at least 6 months, and then he’d reevaluate the frequency based on his progress. He also mentioned every piece of rehabilitation equipment that he had for sale, and all the vitamins, and all the skin care, and I swear I heard Amway in there. Oh, and “your insurance won’t cover anything but I have a great cash plan”. What? How many times per week? What’s this going to cost us?

Turns out, it’s going to cost a Toyota Camry w/ a sunroof