I am so tired. Ana woke up at 1am with vomit all over herself and her bed, and then continued vomiting on and off until 6am. I heard that the stomach bug was going around but I had hoped that it would miss us. Guess not.
Today I’m going to give you some tips for dealing with this icky virus. And if you were at one of the many birthday parties Ana attended this weekend, you might want to pay close attention…and sorry about that.
Immediately after vomiting occurs
– After the clean-up, you’ll need to go into your garage, pull out a painter’s tarp, and cover the entire room like construction is about to begin. Make sure to set up all your cleaning supplies and give your kid instructions on how to keep everything tidy in the event that you fall asleep- after all, you need your beauty sleep too.
– Make sure to explicitly demonstrate emergency vomiting options should the bathroom suddenly seem far away. There’s nothing more soothing for a 3 year old than to watch their parent pretend to puke into a 10 gallon Lowe’s bucket at two o’clock in the morning.
Sweet Dreams
– Create a vomit smock. It’s exactly what it sounds like. This can be made from one of your husband’s shirts that you’ve always hated or a garbage bag.
Garbage Bag Vomit Smock
Not to be used while sleeping…and probably at all.
Simply take a kitchen garbage bag, turn it upside down and cut out a neck and arm holes. (do I really need to give you these instructions?)
Prevent the Spread
– Bathe the rest of the family in hand sanitizer*. You’ll also want to liberally apply Lysol to all of your exposed body parts* and reapply every four hours (follow the same directions as on the back of your SPF 50 sunblock).
*warning labels would advise against this.
Recuperation
– In my opinion, the first food you should feed a child who has recently vomited is chocolate. That way, if they’re still sick the clean up won’t be totally unpleasant- it’ll be like cleaning up organic hot chocolate but a hint grosser.
*This may make you hungry, which will be both confusing and disturbing. I recommend keeping Thin Mints in your nightstand and not judging yourself too harshly.
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Now here’s the crazy shit…
Ana got maybe 3 hours sleep but she woke up happy, energetic, easy going, etc. I haven’t seen her like this in years…years people…she’s only 3…years. Maybe the vomiting was cathartic? Maybe bitchiness is a virus? see here….
Just cross your fingers for me that the vomiting has passed because I need some sleep and I don’t have another tarp. The happy can stay.
UPDATE: Never mind, she just punched her brother in the balls for looking at her. Everything’s back to normal.
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