Dear Kim,
I suffer from horrible periods. They make me miserable! I feel fat, ugly, and I’m just really depressed for about a week every month. Do you have any suggestions?
Florence in Vaginaton, VA
Dear Flo,
You’ve come to the right place for help. About 6 years ago, I was a PMS/Menses counselor. I bet you’ve never heard of a PMS/Menses counselor before, I hadn’t either prior to opening my business, PMS-R-Us, (Preventing Mental Shittiness).
Initially, I had trouble getting my name out there and locating potential clients. But then I began sprinkling my cards around tampon aisles, candy aisles, and in liquor stores like they were confetti. The response from the menstruating community was immediate and intense (bitches be batty!).
Sadly, my business was only open for 3 weeks. I started the day after my period, determined to help other women in my situation, and quit 21 days later because everyone was getting on my GODDAMN nerves.
But lucky for you Flo, I’m in a better mood today, and I do have some tips:
– Stock your closet with a week’s worth of clothes that are two sizes too big. They’ll either fit that week or make you feel really skinny. Either way you win.
– Throw out your digital scale and purchase the kind with the dial. At the onset of PMS you’ll need to ask your husband or significant other to turn the dial back 5-10 pounds. If he asks which, say “surprise me”. If he’s any kind of man he’ll turn it back 15lbs.
And Flo, here’s the most important thing you can do…
– Make yourself a tampon crown. You read that right. Every month I make myself a tampon crown, and by doing so, I turn my crappiness into a “Celebration of my Womanhood” and “I’m Not Pregnant Again!” ceremony. I dub myself, Queen Menses!
Here’s how you too can be the queen of your menses:
Materials:
An empty tampon box (not regular, you want Super because you’re Super. According to my awful periods, I’m Super Plus)
5 tampons
Tape
Scissors
1 News Years Eve hat
Instructions:
1. Cut the box open and cut all the flaps off. Measure it around your hat and cut it to size.
2. Flip the box over and draw an outline of your crown, giving it 5 peaks of staggering height. Do NOT draw on the front because you will enviably screw up. Trust me, you don’t want to look in the mirror and have your crown be a reminder of your life’s failures.
3. Cut your crown out.
4. Tape your paper crown to your New Years Eve hat. Tape a tampon to each peak. String up or string down, your crown, your choice.
5. When your crown is finished, set it on a pillow of silk, satin, or fur for maximum effect.
I prefer fur, it ties in nicely with the whole pubes thing.
5. Create a ceremony and have someone present the crown to you, addressing you as Queen Menses. Feel free to personalize this ceremony. I like to have my husband do this as I’m seated in an over-sized arm chair and drinking a chocolate martini. I hold a toilet plunger as my scepter.
6. After being crowned, dance around the room singing “I Feel Pretty” from West Side Story. I don’t really know the words (I think I mix it with Zippidy Do Da) but the chorus is all I really care about.
Flo, I hope I’ve given you some ideas to counter your shittiness. Please take a picture of you wearing your crown and send it to me…it makes me feel less alone in my craziness.
Yours in menses,
Kim
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