I was cleaning out my inbox when I came across this email to my Aunt from a couple years ago. Here’s an excerpt:
Hi there and Happy New Years! I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday season! I wanted to thank you both for your kind words about Collin and Ana’s pics.
We all had a great Christmas with one exception (which is the same exception every year)…Mr. Bojangles. Here’s the problem, every Christmas Brian buys his mother expensive Godiva Truffles and every Christmas Eve the dog finds and eats all 18 of them. Every. Damn. Christmas.
The scene that plays out is always the same:
1. Brian yells at the dog for being so stupid.
2. He pulls out the Godiva receipt and calculates how much money Bo just cost him.
3. He utters the phrases, “Just who do you think you are?” “I’m calling the SPCA to come get you!” and my favorite…“I brought you into this world and I can take you out!”
*which is ridiculous because, while he does appear to have my blue eyes and Brian’s dark hair, he is not biologically ours.
As he’s going through his tirade and grimacing like he’s taking a painful crap, I’m setting up my cleaning products. And while everyone is peacefully sleeping on Christmas Eve I’m cussing and cleaning up, what can only be described in both smell and color as hot cocoa vomit. I call it….hot “Bo”coa. I swear to god it smells exactly like hot chocolate which makes me feel so confused and conflicted. One minute I want to puke and the next I’m looking for marshmallows.
I have to admit that over the years I have become resigned to this and have even begun to consider it another cherished family tradition.
I go on to write about our kids, parents, blah, blah blah. The point is this…
After reading this it occurred to me that we didn’t buy truffles this year, hence no hot “bo”coa. Though he did have diarrhea, so there’s always that. I know I should be ecstatic that he didn’t vomit, but it sorta saddened me that another holiday tradition has disappeared.
I worry about the loss of other traditions like, my holiday zit, Christmas parties where I make an ass out of myself, and losing my credit cards at least twice while shopping. These are the unwelcome traditions of our family but they are expected, dealt with, and then laughed about. No matter how dysfunctional, when they’re gone something seems amiss.
P.S. Don’t worry, the zit is still making an appearance.
P.P.S. I also realized that our dog requires more maintenance and bodily fluid clean up than our children.
What dysfunctional tradition does your family have?
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