Dear Kim,
I saw your marriage tip on twitter and was wondering if you had any other great advice.
Sincerely,
Monica in Ballandchain, AZ
Dear Monica,
I assume you’re referring to my tweet:
“@MothaKim: I keep my marriage exciting by occasionally surprising him w/ little things, like making dinner & shaving my legs. #MarriageTips”
As you know, I’m here on Fridays with the sole purpose of helping you, my reader. However, because my advice is free, I can only offer you a few tips on marriage, otherwise I might hurt the sales of my soon to be released book, “L is for Love…& Lobotomy” If you want all my secrets, it’s going to cost you $9.99 plus S&H. And I’d appreciate it if you wrote a great Amazon review afterwards.
Not that you asked about it, but let me give you a little background on how my book came to be. After I was “let go” from my anger management counseling position at Franklin Upper County University (FUC-U) I found a new job as a relationship coach. Ok, technically my title was jewelry salesperson, but when selling an engagement ring to couples, I often found myself giving unsolicited relationship advice. I didn’t sell many rings but I did realize my dream of someday self-publishing my own book. And here I am Monica, here I am.
Here are a few tips. Consider them a teaser for all the sage advice my book will offer.
Tip #1 – I believe every man should come home to the smell of a delicious home cooked meal. That’s why I’ve developed a line of time released air fresheners called “I Cooked Faux You”. They’re guaranteed to fill the air with the aroma of French onion soup at 5pm, pot roast at 5:30pm and chocolate chip cookies at 5:45. Every purchase comes with an enclosed coupon for a Domino’s large pizza.
Tip #2 – Like what your husband likes. For example, my husband says he loves Hooter’s Restaurant because they have the best wings. And because his happiness is important to me, I told him we can go there every week. He drives me up to the door and I grab our take-out. Lately he seems to be losing interest in them. Weird.
Tip #3 – Spice things up in the bedroom by role playing. But just be careful what you ask for. Last week I asked him to be the mailman and he went along with it, but I could sense he was uncomfortable. It’s probably because I use to date our mailman.
Tip #4 – If you’re in a heated argument and you want to win, just take your clothes off. Men are simple creatures. It will work. Just don’t do it in couples therapy, I’m told they frown on that type of conflict resolution.
Monica, I hope I’ve given you some golden nuggets that you can use to improve your relationship. I assume I have, because if you’re coming to me for advice you’ve already hit rock bottom, it can only go up from there.
Good Luck on the whole marriage thing!
Kim
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