I’m warning you, this post may cause you to think less of me…of course, that’s assuming you normally hold me in high regard. If that happens, 1. High regard? Really? and 2. stop reading and pull out every birthday card, xmas card, or get well card I’ve ever sent you. Surely I wrote something beautiful, capable of countering any images this post creates.
Or just come back to this cute puppy….
Stare at him until all the bad images go away.
Now my post…
Now that bikini waxing season is coming to a close and leg hair maintenance has slowed down, I find I have a lot more time on my hands. Frankly I’m kind of relieved as weeding both my yard and my body was getting rather exhausting. Every summer I experiment with quicker and easier ways to eradicate body hair. Sometimes I do the waxing thing and sometimes I just use the cheap pink razor that I swear is made by Mattel. But in the end I always come back to good ol’ Nair.
For those of you not “in the know”, Nair is a wonderful, deadly chemical that melts away body hair in 10 minutes and can burn a hole in the ozone layer in 5 minutes (so you know it works). I love it! The instructions say to put it on your hairy parts for a maximum of 6 minutes but I treat that as more of a suggestion than a warning. Chemical burns are hardly noticeable when you have an awesome tan. So I spend a full 15 minutes naked, cold, covered in white cream, avoiding all furniture, and doing squats. Hey- if I have 15 naked minutes to kill, it’s either have a drink or do squats. And unfortunately I found that the active ingredient Potassium Thioglycolate interferes with the bouquet of my wine. By the way, I highly recommend you lock the bathroom door while doing this otherwise you might burn your kids’ eyes out…and I ain’t talking from the fumes.
Want to see a pic of me getting my Nair on? click here.
Also, it’s important that you remain upright while you’re waiting for the Nair to work on your bikini area. I once dropped something on the bathroom floor, bent down to retrieve it, and when I rinsed off I was bald in certain areas and had what looked like crop circles in others. And because I really like you, I’m going to tell you something that many women will not admit or share…when you’re bare down there (are you ready for this?)…your pee goes everywhere! It’s so disgustingly true. I realize some women like to line the toilets with toilet paper, however, I prefer to hover in public restrooms but (make a note here) you CANNOT hover with a Brazilian (or even a Nair-Brazilian knock off). A ship needs a rudder if you know what I mean. Show me a pee splattered toilet and I’ll show you a “bald down there” girl.
I can’t even imagine getting a Brazilian. Having someone so up close and personal and who probably doesn’t want to be there in the first place is embarrassing (hopefully not like any of my past dates). How would I schedule it anyway? First thing in the morning? I don’t even go to the dentist without brushing and flossing in their lobby restroom first. So how would I feel comfortable getting a Brazilian when I can’t shower at least 2 minutes beforehand? I guess I could shove a couple Altoids up there before leaving the house. Though I’d have to remember to pee first because those Altoids feel like cold flames from hell when I drink water. You know what, I’ve got until next year to worry about this stuff.
My original point: Fall is here ladies, relax, enjoy the long pants, and let your hair down.
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