If you read my last post, then you know we just returned from Disney and that I have a bunch of crappy pics to share with you. But rather than bore you with perfectly staged pictures of my children (I actually don’t have any) in front of charming characters, I’m sharing a few of our crappier highlights…or low-lights, if you will.
Day 1 – The Magic Kingdom
“Kids, move a little to your right. I’m having trouble getting both the manhole and the trashcan in the picture.” is what I must have said.
Heading over to the Speedway ride:
Collin begged me to let him drive…with me as his passenger. Tired of arguing with children, I agreed. After all, it’s on a track, how bad could he be?
Answer: VERY BAD
We were all over the road! Back and forth, forth and back, necks snapping, brains scrambling. I’m surprised the camera didn’t vibrate out of my hand.
How can he be this awful? I asked myself.
Then I turned to my right…
“What? I’m driving with my knees. Isn’t that how dad does it?”
Day 2 – Animal Kingdom
Ahh, the majestic elephants of the safari tour…
who Ana completely ignored after circling the Elephant in her animal identification book.
Turns out Ana’s not so much a “live in the moment” person as she is a “where’s the next freakin’ animal, so I can cross it off my list, receive my completion badge, and shove my superiority in my brother’s face” personality.
Me: Look, Ana! It’s a meerkat doing back flips off a dancing giraffe!
Her: If it’s the reticulated giraffe of Somalia, I already circled it. NEXT.
I wanted to pitch that damn book down a watering hole but, sensing my annoyance, she held it tightly.
After the safari, Collin convinced me to go on the rapids ride with him. You know, the one where you’re forced down and buckled into a warm, wet seat before it even begins? Well, just as we were about to head down the river, a giant bamboo branch cracked and fell from the trees behind us, smacking our 12 person raft as we passed. So they stopped the ride. For a long time. A very long time.
While the Disney “cast members” ran in circles and took turns beating the cracked branch with a pool skimmer, my observation skills were kicking into high gear on our vessel. For example, I learned that Gloria and Dwayne were in couples therapy, which was obvious, given the amount of air-quote “I feel” statements they were throwing around while arguing over Dwayne’s choice of not wearing a rain poncho. Gloria “felt” he was acting like a macho asshole. She also “felt” that his “stupid wet ass” would regret it when everyone saw through his white shorts, and why did he “feel” the need to wear white shorts anyway? Dwayne “felt” like she was being a “huge bitch” about the whole thing. And I “felt” like their therapist failed to fully explain the purpose of the “I Feel” exercise.
When Animal Kingdom closed at 5 pm, we drove to the nearby idyllic town of Celebration, a white picket fence community originally created by Disney.
One of the town’s churches was having a pumpkin patch fundraiser, meaning all the pumpkin sales and any donations would go to a local women’s shelter. I suggested we make a donation since there was no way we were lugging a pumpkin through the airport. But noooo, Ana begged for a pumpkin, a huge ass pumpkin, and Brian gave in seeing as how we’d be in Disney on Oct. 31 and “she won’t have a real Halloween this year” Won’t have a real Halloween this year? Seriously? Who is she, Tiny Tim?
I should mention that moments before this picture was taken (and almost every moment leading up to it), Brian was bathing our kids in hand sanitizer and anti-virus prayers. The result…
Me, taking the picture: Ready? 1…2…3…
Brian: Cheese!
Collin: Cheese!
Ana: EEEEBOLA!
I, and everyone around me, was horrified.
More pics on the next post. Oh we’re not done…
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