If you read my blog regularly, you are my most cuddly-wuddly favorite, and you may have noticed that I haven’t posted as frequently this winter.
*A relief to Marsha M. from Rochester, NY who, despite repeated requests, I have yet to remove from my email list.
The truth is, I’ve been going through a pretty tough time this season. What with discontinuing my eyelash extensions, my recent addiction to carbohydrates, and the 50 billion snow days that have us stuck in this house together while gray clouds loom overhead, it’s no surprise that I find myself in the midst of a winter depression.
And it turns out that moping around while planning a relocation to Florida can be a total time suck. No really. To say that I spend my free time fantasizing about living in Florida would be a gross understatement- I spend ALL MY TIME fantasizing about living in Florida. So far, things are really coming together. I’ll send you a housewarming invite when I get there.
Enough whinning, let me tell you about our weekend through the eyes of a wintertime depressive…
On Friday, I set the microwave on fire.
In an attempt to eat healthier by eliminating the chemicals found in most store bought microwave popcorn bags, I used a plain brown paper bag and organic kernels. But after battling the flames caused by a dry paper bag igniting, I considered that it might be healthier to ingest the Perfluorooctanoic Acid rather than to die in a house fire.
Can you imagine burnt popcorn being the last thing you smell?
Later that night, I researched microwaves and Florida school districts.
Saturday, Ana had ANOTHER classmate’s birthday party to attend (reason enough to consider homeschooling).
She was dragging her feet as usual, so I said, “If you don’t get dressed, we’re not going!”
“please don’t get dressed, please don’t get dressed, please don’t get dressed” became my silent mantra.
Ana: I don’t want to go anyway!
Sadly, a lie. She likes to build up my hopes then knock ’em down like blocks- blocks that spell out the word SUCKER. My changing facial expressions must make for great entertainment.
Me: Why not?
Ana: I don’t like Olivia.
Me: Why?
Ana: Every time we have lunch bunch, she shows me the food in her mouth. It’s gross!
Me: Oh, c’mon. So she doesn’t chew with her mouth closed, that’s no reason not to like her.
Ana: She does it on purpose! She opens her mouth and goes “ahhhhhh”.
Me: I’m sure you’re exaggerating.
She wasn’t…
I’ve decided to focus my efforts on the West coast of Florida, as the beaches are absolutely stunning,
On Sunday, the master bathroom toilet tank stopped filling up …much like my soul in this godforsaken northeast polar vortex.
So I fixed it. I also replaced the handle AND bought a new toilet seat and told everyone to enjoy their next shit on me.
I’m leaning towards the Sarasota area, it seems the most family friendly.
Sunday night, sensing my downward mental spiral, Brian offered to help me with dinner. He’s a great cook so I was very grateful for the help…until I found out he knew jack-shit about pounding chicken breasts. That’s when things got tense.
Him: What do you mean it’s not thin enough? Did you see how hard I was pounding? It can’t take that much effort to flatten a breast. No, I’m pretty sure this is as thin as it gets.
Me: Brian, it does take that much effort. Why else would I try flattening them with my SUV? (that did NOT go well)
few minutes later…
Brian: Yeah, baby! I got the hang of it now!
This was one of the better ones.
After dinner, Brian cleaned up the kitchen and gave Ana a bath while I measured out my first glass of red wine in a week.
Did I forget to mention that I’m on a diet? Oh yes, because nothing helps to lift winter depression like giving up alcohol and drastically restricting one’s caloric intake.
That’s ok though, I like to pretend that the rumbling sounds in my stomach are actually waves crashing down on the coast of Florida, it helps me fall asleep without all the crying.
How was your weekend? Have a southern home for sale?
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